Here I go again...admitting something in writing.
I can't see the fruit. I know what God has asked of me. I have obeyed. It has been 6 months. I don't see apples falling down all around me.
So what do ya do when you can't see the fruit? My first thought? Quit. Yeah, cause that would be easy, but then it isn't obeying. It's Jonah thinking. Run away...because that will make the apples happen. Please tell me you caught my sarcasm.
I can't quit. I don't want to. I know better. I want a fruit smoothie adventure, but I am impatient. There, I said it. I despise that word.
I am in a voluntary administrative position...something I believe does NOT fit me and yet, I was called to it? Just for the record, NO personality test or spiritual gift test has ever put administrative high on my list. The Lord thinks otherwise. I better go with him lest I forget the last "God spanking" I had. It wasn't pretty.
No, I am not making light of any of this or on obeying God. This is just hard. It is hard being the one to delegate and sort of be in charge humanly speaking. It is difficult to be the one up there wondering if the eyes looking back at you are judging, frustrated or if the smile is genuine. Am I meeting at least some of their needs with the choices I have made? Is that even my job?
Then, I remember what it is like to be on the other side of the fence. How much easier it is to do nothing and to wonder what the "leader" was thinking when they chose to do something one way. To be the one who has NO clue how hard it is to lead.
All I really want to do is love and minister to other women in similar seasons of life. I want all that God has done for me to NOT be in vain. I want to share what the Lord has done, but honestly, this particular role in my life just doesn't seem to do that. I don't get to share much of me with anyone.
Instead, it is decisions, decisions, speakers, watch the time, do this, do that, chop, chop.
I gotta be me...I am suffocating here. Okay, yes, a piece of me exist in this position. I have had a chance to be silly. I've made others smile. If only they knew how much I care about them, this MOPS ministry, and how much I want them to belong and love it like I do.
Am I doing it for them, for me or for God? I think all three.
SO...When you can't see the fruit and you know you are doing God's will and you are walking daily with Him, then all that is left is to honor Him...show reverence and love through faith and obedience.
Yahweh Yireh...I need to keep my heart and head focused on you. Help me
to know that I don't have to see the fruit to know that you are
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