Monday, October 7, 2013

I don't think my eyes have seen fall and winter play together...

I don't think my eyes have ever seen fall and winter play together. Yet, there among the colored aspen were pine branches dripping in snow.
Photo mine, please don't use without permission.
 Can two seasons happen at once?
Dead, lifeless, cold winter holding hands with deep vermillion, mango, cool fall? 
It is where I live.

And at the same time it is strange, it is breathtaking. Yet, I squirm. Something about this feels familiar and uncomfortable. I ignore this briefly as my family takes pictures and we try to capture a good holiday photo.  I love this moment, I love fall, so why are my eyes threatening tears?

Perhaps because changing so that God's brilliance is seen can be painful. Maybe it is the fear of experiencing winter...with a cold, dead spirit residing in my heart as at times it has. I vowed to control never feel like I am not connected to God. To never be in that place where I feel far from God again.
 Then, that familiar ache rises like a slow wave in the middle of experiencing this odd phenomena as I pretend that I am past all the previous trauma this month dished out years ago, when death surrounded me, funeral after funeral. 
 When I truly became aware of my own death not just after giving my life to Jesus, but time after time when I wanted to control something or someone...when the hurt all, but killed me.  The death of innocence. The death of relationships. The death of self. 

I wonder who wants to carry cool change and distant cold simultaneously?

I don't want to, but God wants me to...gently carrying it with me. He holds me/helps me when it its time to dig the hole. Something will have to be given its' proper burial.

A mix of trepidation and joy will lie before me as I wait to see what must change or die, but I will obey the one I belong to...I know the Lord is a faithful and trustworthy season holder.

God holds my hand and guides me just as I hold my son's hand and guide him.

Linking up today with these blogs: Soli Deo Gloria

1 comment:

  1. 'Can two seasons happen at once?' And that, my dear, is a million dollar question! Transitions can take time ... maybe more than we'd wish. Thankfully, the Creator of those seasons and the Lover of our souls has all these hard to grasp realities in His hands ...


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