Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Nidus (NYE-dus) and what's missing in October /One word 365

I knew it was coming; holes that proved to be a nidus for his baby teeth. He lost the upper two and in an instant his face grew up. His speech sprinkled with a slight lisp. His parent's hearts sentimental and proud. We miss the baby, but we adore the five year old. Our humanity unable to halt divided loyalty once again. Hubby, him and I are all learning to let go together and it stings a bit.
 I always know it is coming, but somehow October sneaks up on me like my three yr. old and I jump. No, I wince. My mother's death (7 years ago this day) proving to be a nidus for that something-is- missing-in-October-feeling. I realize my five year old's teeth and Fall somehow triggered it. I walk around with a open hole that only hubby and I seem to notice.
Some insensitively think, "Get over it already, or why aren't you over it?" "It has been seven years."

And here's my rebuttal...
I wanted to call my mommy when he lost his teeth and share that milestone with her.
I want to hear her laugh when she sees my three year old put his hand on his hips with his furrowed brow and serious face as he expresses something important to him. SHE HAS MISSED so much. The newborn cries, the giggles, the firsts in general, and the silly, livelihood of toddlers and preschoolers.

I want her instead of my sister to say, "You have changed, I can hear it and I am proud of you."

It hurts, it still burns and she can't be replaced. And if it weren't for being held by God Almighty, I know I alone, am too weak to make it each October.
Nidus: noun A place where something originates or develops.

Proudly linking up with Jen@Soli Deo Gloria

1 comment:

  1. I have never heard of the word "nidus." I like it! I can really appreciate this post. My mother in law passed away a year ago at the age of 60 and we are walking that road of grief and loss. I hear what you are saying and it makes perfect sense to me. There is a hole left behind. You go on and you live, but something is missing. It doesn't keep you stuck, but it does give you pause, a moment to grieve the losses again. I see that it does get better, but I'm pretty sure it's not something you ever "get over."

    Christy @ A Heartening Life


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