When your the key that doesn't fit

(Story by Dionne Adkison)

  The story and art idea owned by me. Please don't copy, share or distribute without permission.

    Shaking hands with the locks they were created for, all of the keys matched their counterpart except for one. A slender, silver key-without fancy and void of its pair. There it lay, all alone and without purpose.

What could one do with a key that didn't have a lock to open? Toss it, I suppose. Well, now that would be unkind wouldn't it?  After all, whoever heard of making a key just to make one?

Yet, why keep something so out of place and useless?

The caring owner of all the keys, out of compassion I guess, kept the silver key. Inside an abandon drawer, it sat. And sat. And SAT. Unused, ignored, and forgotten. 

Alas, a young woman found her grandfather's junk drawer. She discovered the antique key and gently moved it back and forth in her dainty hands. With no lock to open, the key became a piece in the art work the young woman created. She smiled that her art was complete.

In a tiny, modern gallery, people pointed and pondered the silver key among the golden-laced earring, a red high heel, a black and white die, half a heart, and a salt shaker. Until a hunched over older woman purchased the work and put it in her tea room. Each day she smiled at the unpaired pieces that the artist so perfectly matched.

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Often, I struggle to NOT feel like this key...out of place and abandoned. The reality is, I was abandoned often in my childhood. As an adult, on many occasions, I feel awkward among my peers.
Sure, it is easier to blame myself. To speak lies into my head, "I am the weird one. I need to be different." At times, I have made it the other person or group's fault. They are insecure. They have issues. Only God really knows the truth of the matter. I just wish he would let me in on it.

Perhaps, that's the point-I am not supposed to be in on it. Seems cruel. At least to me. Yet, I know my being in the dark is a way God keeps me dependent on him. I need to be dependent on him in this life. After all, he is my defender, my healer, and the one who saves me from my own false perceptions. Thank goodness!

If I have learned anything in my 20 year relationship with the Lord...

Sometimes the very purpose 

of our hurt or alienated feelings are simply to bless others.

This is what I need to remember: it isn't all about me!

Linking up today with Jen at SOli Deo Gloria. Join us here

Nidus (NYE-dus) and what's missing in October /One word 365

I knew it was coming; holes that proved to be a nidus for his baby teeth. He lost the upper two and in an instant his face grew up. His speech sprinkled with a slight lisp. His parent's hearts sentimental and proud. We miss the baby, but we adore the five year old. Our humanity unable to halt divided loyalty once again. Hubby, him and I are all learning to let go together and it stings a bit.

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 I always know it is coming, but somehow October sneaks up on me like my three yr. old and I jump. No, I wince. My mother's death (7 years ago this day) proving to be a nidus for that something-is- missing-in-October-feeling. I realize my five year old's teeth and Fall somehow triggered it. I walk around with a open hole that only hubby and I seem to notice.
Some insensitively think, "Get over it already, or why aren't you over it?" "It has been seven years."

And here's my rebuttal...

 

I wanted to call my mommy when he lost his teeth and share that milestone with her.
I want to hear her laugh when she sees my three year old put his hand on his hips with his furrowed brow and serious face as he expresses something important to him. SHE HAS MISSED so much. The newborn cries, the giggles, the firsts in general, and the silly, livelihood of toddlers and preschoolers.

I want her instead of my sister to say, "You have changed, I can hear it and I am proud of you."

It hurts, it still burns and she can't be replaced. And if it weren't for being held by God Almighty, I know I alone, am too weak to make it each October.

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Nidus: noun A place where something originates or develops.

 

Proudly linking up with Jen@Soli Deo Gloria

I am a beautiful mess (Part two)

Today, I am feeling more beautiful than messy.
This is good, right?  I can't lie...my house and portions of my life to a degree are a mess. I seriously need to get floor cleaner and mop. At least I vacuumed, but I swear that the laundry and groceries have it out for me. I. Can. Never. Seem. To. Catch up!

BUT...I had a great morning with the Lord...he is the author of my beauty. And I am grateful.

I also have been trying to figure out how to embrace the story of who I am-past, present, future. How I am to share that this year with others and at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers).

I tend to think of beauty in outside terms and I believe most people do too. However, I don't want that to ever be my message. For the record, I am not talking about ditching sunscreen or lotion, or bathing (good hygiene and no skin cancer is a good thing), but if we are "ugly" on the inside than no amount of beauty or taking care of our outside selves will win us friends...and it will not shine Christ.

I came across a random article and reflection paper among some old MOPS materials and realized that embracing my story is embracing God's purpose for me, embracing how he sees me. I am not who I am randomly. Oh, how beautifully orchestrated we all are.
  Then, I realized that to do this I have to understand both the human and spiritual side of my story. I need to understand aspects of my personality, my natural tendencies, how I was raised, understanding my God given spiritual gift(s) and looking at specific experiences and circumstances mixed with what God was doing in that moment.

UM, this is not at all easy. Okay, I have been doing this for the

past 10 years as I have taken a plethora of tests, read books, deepened my 

relationship with God, etc., but it is painful and time-consuming. Yet

it is freeing and has been worth it. 

The most interesting discovery? My personality exists in only 3 percent of the population...this explains a lot for me. 

 So where does one start?

Go  Here to learn more about my personality type and Visit here 
to learn about your personality type. (I promise I am not endorsing or receiving any form of compensation for the links I am providing...this website and test, to me is the most specific and accurate of all the tests I have taken sans the spiritual gifts test).
 

The Tiny Guard (365 Word: Weak)

As I sat outside on a cool summer morn, I was reminded that little doesn't mean weak and wimpy.
 I know because I was entertained for 20 minutes as I gazed at a fierce, miniature watchmen.

Scarcely a true guard I know...three inches but courageous and tenacious. He is a David among giants; standing up to creatures even 10 times as large as him. I don't even know if this Rufous Hummingbird realizes his potential, or if he has faith or even needs to, but he fights for a  nourishment he deems precious.

Then, he returns over and over to a skinny limb after chasing his adversaries. 

The pint-sized soldier I am talking about.

 And I giggle, not out of disrespect, but out of admiration and with affection...and the fact that I actually doubted (with pride, yuck) that this copper-colored, burnt-orange hummer could teach me anything. I listened with my heart though as God used this little bird to pop my bubble:

1. Before a battle, and in order to endure the battle, one must refresh and fill up on nectar (God's word).

2. During and after a battle, I need to rest in a consistently safe place (In the arms of my Lord, Jesus). Even when I am weak...

3. No matter what God asks me to do, size or talent or strength or weakness won't matter...what matters is fulfilling the purpose God has created me for. God can do what he says he can do. His plans will succeed and I will find satisfaction doing his will.

4.That standing up for what I know to be true and valuable is worth any discomfort or waiting I am experiencing because I know that it won't last forever. I know what awaits me in forever.

Can you relate to any of the above? Do you ever feel too weak, or little or ill-equipped?

      

  Linking up here. Join the storytelling!

When we all need an umbrella

There are times in life when nothing is wrong or going wrong and yet anger or sadness or fill in the blank seeps into the head or heart. A uncontrollable-out of nowhere emotion or thought threaten, but we don't know why. Seriously, it might feel like insanity.
And then there are instances of real grief or trials or problems.

Either way...this is when we all need an umbrella; Something or someone to cover our humanness:

   

An umbrella to protect and never tire,

hope without despair,

courage instead of fear,

comfort and not answers,

sureness in spite of doubt,

encouragement and less criticism.

Moments when we just need someone to listen, understand and care. A two-way, unconditional relationship. If we close our eyes, if we forget who we've been and worry less about appearances, perhaps we won't miss what we long so deeply for: something, someone that satisfies and is everlasting.

     

I have ever only found that something is this someone: Jesus 

One Word 365 "Weak" update

My word for this year is weak. Mostly a negative word in our society. A label to run away from unless you are choosing humility and obedience to God.
 
Just look at the different meanings for weak...not desirable, huh?

1. Lacking physical strength, energy, or vigor; feeble.

2. Likely to fail under pressure, stress, or strain; lacking resistance: a weak link in a chain.

3. Lacking firmness of character or strength of will.

4. Lacking the proper strength or amount of ingredients: weak coffee.

5. Lacking the ability to function normally or fully: a weak heart.

6. Lacking aptitude or skill: a weak student; weak in math.

7. Lacking or resulting from a lack of intelligence.

8. Lacking persuasiveness; unconvincing: a weak argument.

9. Lacking authority or the power to govern.

10. Lacking potency or intensity: weak sunlight.

Other than #4 or #10...at some point in my life, I have exhibited each of those. I find it easy to admit I am weak when I want hubby or some male to use his God-given-more-muscle-mass for times where I am hard put to open the pickle jar.  

Yet-

Right now, I am weak...defeated in areas where I am needing victory. Areas I can't pour out here because it is too private...areas where I need God's divine intervention-NOW. Okay, I know that sounded demanding, but I can't help it. Is there anything wrong with wanting to see God change you radically sooner rather than later?  And I wonder when or how the victory will come. 

Yes, I feel His grace even as I type these words. And maybe, just maybe, one of these areas is like the thorn that Paul agonized over...the thorn to keep me dependent-no matter what, on God. My brain deliberates this and my heart receives comfort as the Lord delicately reminds me of his unconditional love. Weak in Him is a warm nest under a large wing.

My past One Word and not a new word I want...

Last year, my one word was:









It wasn't a new word to me, but my season of life last year was all about letting go of possessions, ideas, and patterns that were master over me. In other words, change needed to take place. I had also truly handed over portions of my life that I didn't even realize I was controlling or hanging onto. I worship the only true Master of my life, the Lord Jesus, and that worship deepened as well as my relationship with Him the more I focused on that word. 

My new word? Let's just say I'm not thrilled about this one. I think you'll understand when you see it.

Okay so our one word doesn't necessarily describe our character, but any seasoned Christian knows what comes with this word: stretching, trials, growth...all good really, but not easy. NO, I am not new to this, unfortunately I know how weak I really am, but it isn't like I want to write about it.
Yet, over and over God uses the weak. I believe that when we are not feeling capable and confident, then God can mold and change us. His power is far more evident. My humanness won't get in the way or take the glory as easily (and hopefully not at all). Pride is unholy and God detests it. So if I really want to be God's servant, finding joy in being a part of his purposes, I have to be willing to heed and trust the Master. I choose to not make this life of mine well, mine...

And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. 2 Corinthians 5:15 NIV

                                  

As NickelBack's line says, "each day's a gift and not a given right..." And I wonder how different the world would be everyone followed that way of thinking (NOT Nickelback's, but that each day is a gift and can be more abundant with a true savior who loves us...Christ).
       
Okay, so the weak part? I've already seen it. I have been sick since Dec. 22nd with a cold turned ear infection/perforated eardrum to a full blown bacterial sinus infection. Not fun, ya know. However, I discovered how hard it is to be physically weak; I was forced to give up control of it. There was nothing I could do. Days were spent on the couch literally. I gave into the thinking that life wouldn't fall apart if I chose to truly rest my body and my head and heart. To not let the world dictate anything. To focus on getting well and enjoying my family. Thank goodness for antibiotics (I have been feeling well since Jan. 4th), but I have missed this non-agenda, s-l-o-w-e-r life with my family!

So, although weakness can mean many things, I admit that this word made me wince in light of past trials and such. But, if I am to be all that God wants me to be (and I desire that), I have to expect and welcome growth. Welcome the learning.

So I will focus on this verse to bring encouragement...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness..." That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV