EDS: Ehlers Danlos Syndrome-What you talkin' about Willis?

Both my husband and son have been diagnosed with a once thought rare condition called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome or EDS for short. I have to share this story because MANY people have it and do not even know it. They need to know what it is since it can be debilitating and even deadly...

 Around the age of four, I noticed my son's ankles. They drooped in towards each other. It looked bizarro, and wrong, so at age 6, I finally took him to the doctor. And she referred him to a pediatric orthopedic. I figured this doctor would look at his ankles, measure his height, ya know, go through the typical procedures and routine. Then, offer us an explanation and a solution. Uh, nope. Bigger deal than weird ankles.

She looked at him from head to toe. Asked a billion questions and then preceded to tell me, "Your son has Scolios and I am recommending he be checked by a geneticist for EDS." ...Silence, confusion...huh? Say what? 
 She let me know (very respectfully and gently) what in the world EDS was and the concerns and the best place to get information. We took an x-ray of his back and it confirmed the Scolios. We had to go get his feet molded for inserts he will have to wear for the rest of his life. 

Before I tell you what EDS is in case you don't know, I will be honest...I was shocked, wanted to panic/worry, and melt into a puddle on the floor, but I kept it together long enough to break down a bit at home. Then, after much prayer and with renewed strength/faith in the Lord, I was on a mission to help my sweet boy!

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome is a genetically inherited disease that effects all connective tissues, think joints/tendons, etc. Those who have the disease don't produce collagen so their joints are very loose. There are 6 major types and my son and husband (who passed on the syndrome) have Hyper-mobility Type. This means they can do cool party tricks with their body (think double-jointed which is actually what EDS is). 
On a serious note, it really means a life time of fighting your body! It can cause random pain, chronic pain, dislocations, trapped and or stretched nerves, sprains/strains and muscle tears as well as other physical problems to the point of not being able to use parts of their bodies. One can injure themselves just through ordinary activities.  EDS has been called the invisible disease and here is why...

What is really hard is that those with EDS look normal and healthy on the outside so people have acted like my family is making this up and many doctors have misdiagnosed my husband, ignored the diagnosis or worse told us it was "all in our heads."

However, many people have believed us and been supportive and that is huge when you are facing something daunting like a diagnosis.  
Sometimes it is hard to swallow the blows of living in a fallen, imperfect world, but I am finding that as I have placed this crazy EDS in God's hands, I have been better at supporting, advocating and being compassionate towards my husband and son. This answer, although not one any of us want, has brought so much understanding to past peculiar injuries and physical problems my husband has had in the past. 

I know God is carrying my family gently through each day, week and month that EDS makes itself known that it is still there. The greatest reaction I can have is giving every part of this to our Lord Jesus and in return he meets me right where I am...and yet, where I am moves and changes...my respect, my reverie, my understanding who he really is grows.
  
To learn more about Ehlers Danlos Syndrom go to Edsawareness.com 
and or  www.ednf.org

Happily linking up with Jen and other sweet sisters at  http://www.findingheaventoday.com/p/about-soli-deo-gloria.html
                                        
 






 

When your the key that doesn't fit

(Story by Dionne Adkison)

  The story and art idea owned by me. Please don't copy, share or distribute without permission.

    Shaking hands with the locks they were created for, all of the keys matched their counterpart except for one. A slender, silver key-without fancy and void of its pair. There it lay, all alone and without purpose.

What could one do with a key that didn't have a lock to open? Toss it, I suppose. Well, now that would be unkind wouldn't it?  After all, whoever heard of making a key just to make one?

Yet, why keep something so out of place and useless?

The caring owner of all the keys, out of compassion I guess, kept the silver key. Inside an abandon drawer, it sat. And sat. And SAT. Unused, ignored, and forgotten. 

Alas, a young woman found her grandfather's junk drawer. She discovered the antique key and gently moved it back and forth in her dainty hands. With no lock to open, the key became a piece in the art work the young woman created. She smiled that her art was complete.

In a tiny, modern gallery, people pointed and pondered the silver key among the golden-laced earring, a red high heel, a black and white die, half a heart, and a salt shaker. Until a hunched over older woman purchased the work and put it in her tea room. Each day she smiled at the unpaired pieces that the artist so perfectly matched.

 ******************************************************

Often, I struggle to NOT feel like this key...out of place and abandoned. The reality is, I was abandoned often in my childhood. As an adult, on many occasions, I feel awkward among my peers.
Sure, it is easier to blame myself. To speak lies into my head, "I am the weird one. I need to be different." At times, I have made it the other person or group's fault. They are insecure. They have issues. Only God really knows the truth of the matter. I just wish he would let me in on it.

Perhaps, that's the point-I am not supposed to be in on it. Seems cruel. At least to me. Yet, I know my being in the dark is a way God keeps me dependent on him. I need to be dependent on him in this life. After all, he is my defender, my healer, and the one who saves me from my own false perceptions. Thank goodness!

If I have learned anything in my 20 year relationship with the Lord...

Sometimes the very purpose 

of our hurt or alienated feelings are simply to bless others.

This is what I need to remember: it isn't all about me!

Linking up today with Jen at SOli Deo Gloria. Join us here

Gratefulness, sickness and Free Will isn't an obstacle...

I'm gonna praise God first and then below you will see my Hannah (Biblical Sarah's nemesis) sized temper tantrum after that...

-God healed my friend's Placenta Abruption, but baby will probably be born early because my dear friend is already 3 cm and 90% effaced. Yet, baby is already 4.4 lbs at 32 weeks and healthy thus far. Praise! The Lord is carrying my friend and his creation.

-The Lord helped me finish my MOPS year strong...he continues to deeply change my perspective and patience on how waiting is good, trust shouldn't be an option and that as God is faithful so my faith deeps. Can I get a Hallelujah, amen?

And of course, my veggies are growing, I have two sweet boys, a hubby who treats me well and loves me, a home, and all my true needs met...shouldn't my praise never cease?

So why do I complain below? I am human and I love and care deeply.

NOW for my brattiness ( I don't care if that isn't a word):
                  -Someone in my family has had trouble getting pregnant and no one understands and well, they've told us that they have seen why God has made them wait, but I admit that I understand their struggle and now none of us get why they are waiting (2 years) and possibly longer. I want to see  them blessed with a child and I find my self begging God and teary-eyed for them.

I AM SO OVER SICKNESS and health issues that as I type this I role my eyes and question if I am a sitting duck since hubby has had the flu (one not covered with the vaccine) since Wed. night and I will get to enjoy this misery in a few days? UGH!!! Hubby had a 24 day headache that he just fixed only to be plagued by the flu, but he is in his second year as a teacher (all teachers are nodding in understanding right now).
   Hubby has seriously been sick, some of which was food-induced headaches and nausea since October. Nope, not kidding. Of course, may I add that I got sick and so did my kids over Christmas and it lasted a month for all of us with two of us on antibiotics?

 ********

Then, I realize how powerful prayer is...how life is just hard and why anyone wouldn't hand over at least some of life's hurdles to a loyal, loving God is beyond me. The fact that my friend and family member can still say (despite scary, hard stuff) God is good, still follow him and trust Him shows me that prayer and true faith is powerful. 

Then, I read about the Lord, and somehow, I come to this understanding that I have at times believed that prayer isn't as powerful as I think it is. What a lie! How can I believe that when I have seen 

it's power?

Oh, my heart and head are traders, thieves...

Then, God speaks to me and I admit that I know why I struggle and I feel his grace once again. My brother and dad...they haven't changed...actually my relationship with them and their choices have actually gotten worse, not better. That's it. I see impossible and I fly a kite called, doubt. 

Another whisper:

Free Will is not an obstacle for Me.

Somehow, I forget that although we always have a choice, that doesn't stop God from intervening or pursuing us. Think of Paul, God struck him with blindness (no choice there), but of course Paul had a choice to respond to God (free will). He could have ignored the flash of light on the road to  Damascus. Who says that God won't flash a light or "blind" my brother or father? Why do I limit God as if free will is some wall in God's way? Really, where do I get this false stuff ?

Mark 10:27 says, "With man this is impossible, but not with God, because nothing is impossible for God."

No. Thing. Is. Impossible. For.God!

I feel faith and hope increasing in my head and heart.

  


Linking up with Soli De Gloria. Go to findingheaventoday.com 
and join the party.
     

Celebrating victory, when you need a victory...waiting.

She had a placenta tear and bleeding and trauma. Her baby and her in jeopardy. And I prayed almost every day and sometimes twice a day. I prayed for hope, healing, and for protection. A few weeks later,victory: 7cm to 5cm and then the tear gone! A few weeks more...no bleeding. No danger. And my heart is bursting with praise and joy and I want to shout to the world that the Lord hears us. That sometimes he truly DOES heal! That life isn't all about trials. We have triumphs too!

Somehow, even in my joy in this miracle for my friend, I am finding joy in a healing that hasn't occurred. Well, maybe not yet. See, I am waiting for healing for my hubby. I am at the point of begging for mercy, for answers, to not feel lost. We want to quit playing Russian Roulette with his health. It is hard to watch my spouse suffer with headaches, nausea and other discomforts and not know what God is doing, but I still have joy in what God is doing.
   As Eileen Pollinger says in her book, Building Christian Discipline...we look forward expectantly that God will do something. We are holding back from solving the problem ourselves...we don't have a solution anyways.
We are at our weakest: waiting for God to move.  We have done some research and seen doctors with no real hope in those systems. We've talked to friends with similar symptoms and seen God use them.
Perhaps it is wheat intolerance? Some other allergy? We can only ponder and wonder in our waiting.

We are available and ready for when the answer comes and it might not be the answer we hope for, but I feel closer to my husband more than ever. I am exercising and joyfully fulfilling my helpmate role. This is good, so good for our marriage. 

We need a victory and it will come, but oh how hard waiting is, huh?

Your turn: What victory are you celebrating, what victory do you need and are waiting for?

In which I think I am ready to jump

My palms are sweaty, my heart's racing, while fear courses thru my heart and veins. There's never a moment that I think of jumping out into the sky...of letting it all go. He has strapped me to him. He has a parachute and so do I. He's got my life literally in his hands and well, he knows it is okay if we jump. Gulp. I don't desire it. I can't do it. He says I can. I don't want to, thank you.

Instead, I would rather be strapped to my chair until I touch ground. It's safer on the ground. My feet can touch and I have some control. 

To make matters worse, I have to jump twice. Um, yeah. Twice!

What if's run through my head. I ache. I am torn. What if I am hearing it all wrong? What if the jumping leads to injury that's permanent? One that I feel for sure I can't recover from. At least that's how it feels right now.

My first jump involves my first born child. He's five. School is looming. Decisions, deadlines, meetings, paperwork and defining choices hang in the air. Every inch I move toward the inevitable makes me ache. Like pushing through deep snow with a layer of ice on top each step stings. I've entertained home schooling, half-day kindergarten and we are signed up for popular schools with lottery systems.  I am not sure what is best for my child. Not entirely anyway. Some of of this I can't control and this is good. No control means God is in complete control.

This is what I really want.

 For God to be in control. Complete control. Here's my recent conversation, "God, you can go ahead and do all the work. You can go ahead and make the decisions for me. I will just sit back and be the chicken, wimpy mommy I am. Okay? Great."

        I also realize that not being ready to send my child off into the world without my hovering, without my protection isn't wrong. In my opinion, it is great. It makes me a loving mom. Okay, yes, I know eventually I have to let him grow up and grow away from me, but how long can I hold that off cause I only think I am ready to jump.

MY SECOND JUMP? It has more consequences than the first. Really!

It involves letting go of relationships where the two involved don't respect me. Where their selfishness gets in the way. They are volatile, unsafe and toxic. I mentioned in a post recently that I don't know why I hang on. This jump feels raw. It feels severe and yet, necessary. There is no point in keeping relationships with family or anyone where there is no reciprocating. Where investing only leads to more hurt, more agony. I haven't even spoken to one in over two years. 

I think I am ready to jump. I hold on tight as the wind of fear slaps me in all directions. God holds me close and whispers, "I know what is best for you and for your family. I hold a parachute of truth you can trust. Hold onto me, jump and I will catch you, always."

I close my eyes...

Your turn, is there some area of your life where you need to jump?

Happily linking up at Jen's Soli Deo Gloria

When a hallelujah is inappropriate

I read Amy Sullivan's most recent blog (click on her name) and read that someone wrote about not wanting to read about so many Kumbaya moments on blog after blog (I have thought the same thing, but I didn't write it).

      There are times when life doesn't promote joy, a hallelujah and thankfulness in the initial reaction. When my brother shared the sad news of my Papaw's suicide let's just say it took awhile to give the pain to God. Life just isn't always full of profound, deep lessons. Sometimes just breathing is an act of faith and praise to God. Yes, God is always with us, but it isn't a sin to write about everyday occurrences that are not "spiritual" in and of themselves.

 Disclaimer: I am in no way condemning giving God glory, praise or the like. He so deserves it, however, God is also the one whose son wept over Lazarus even though he knew he could and would raise him from the dead. Jesus wasn't like "Now he is heaven and not in pain. Just trust God and things will get better soon."

 Sometimes a hallelujah is inappropriate.

Yes, the above has been said by that good intention 

person whose good intentions were no good 

at all. 

When we give someone this attitude especially in the beginning of their loss, struggle or other trial it is downright cruel. Sometimes people are just insensitive and dismiss your hurt so they don't have to feel the pain with you. Or they want to help you get over it sooner. Ya know "fix" it.

However, it is God who says his power is made perfect in our weakness which means that when we try to push someone out of their weakness, our action could be communicating that God is powerless to work in us. That we should only suffer in the timing and terms of someone else.

 

 Not okay. Ever.

My point? Even if your blog is to encourage others in Christ, it is okay to be honest about how hard it is to follow God sometimes. This is just as encouraging especially if what your writing is not hopeless, just honest about the struggle. I read a blog that talked about the person wishing the testing and trials would end. The pain in their words made me feel closer to God because there are times when no matter how faithful you are, the trials seem to keep coming almost on top of each other. Even Paul asked God three times to take the thorn (i.e. struggle, weakness, etc.) to be removed. I don't know if God ever removed it. It seems in scripture that it never was.

In the midst of hardships, we need to give each other respect and grace as we grieve and work out our feelings and thoughts.

31 Days to Grace (Day 27): When your tired...

It is Day 27 right? The days are meshing together and this writing 31 days straight is not only a challenge, but it is making me tired. Whew!

Well, hang in there, right? I mean after today, only four more days. This is what I am telling myself. Really I am grateful for being able to write here for 31 days, but I would be lying if I didn't say sometimes it has been a pain.

So here is what God gave me today:

John 15:5

New International Version (NIV)

⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

 Oh, the beautiful symbol of grace this is...I can't write without Him. And when I am tired from striving and doing life on my own or when I am just tired from life, the Lord Jesus assures me that I must remain in Him and if I do I will bear fruit.

We can do no thing without Him. It is his grace that allows us to take our next breath. He sustains us even when we are not aware of it. 

And I've never thought of his grace like that until now. Maybe that is the point of this challenge...to go deeper with God and understand grace on a whole new level. I smile because it is true.

And now, I am going to relish these last five days.

31 Days to Grace (Day 22): 5 behaviors that need grace.

Sometimes I don't feel like giving grace. Yes, I am going there. The other side of grace. The one from human to human. The grace that is hard to give when we are injured, disappointed, frustrated, etc. And sometimes when this happens, I need to work on being "assertive" or  "polite and powerful." Sometimes I just need to let it go and give grace. Even if the person doing it does it over and over.

Warning: You might feel guilty as I have for exhibiting any of the behaviors listed below. No judging. We all have behaviors to work on.
 
Here are the five behaviors I need to give the most grace to (especially if I wimp out and don't address the behavior):

1. The turn the head syndrome: I am in the middle of a sentence (for which one seemed interested in what I was saying and even asked a question about it) and then they turn their head to see or hear something more interesting or at least their eyes divert elsewhere. This action conveys to me that what I have to say is boring or uninteresting. Lovely.

2. I am discussing a subject for which I have expertise in and the other person acts like what I said isn't valid or asks another person (who is not an expert) to corroborate my statements.

3. Snide remarks. Just say what ya really mean. -Enough said.

4. When someone says something stupid or insensitive, but you know their heart was in the right place or they were just trying to help. 

5. My ultra favorite: Someone thinking they've got me pegged even though they really don't know me. Or believing they understand who I am based on a few experiences we had together.

Oh, in these moments I need God's grace to shower me so I can pour it forth to others in these difficult situations. I do find myself more often than not, keeping my mouth shut, but that isn't necessarily me showing grace. 

I have to admit I just don't have the answer here. There are times when we must kindly tell someone that their behavior hurt us and when we must give grace and forgiveness and move on.

Tell me your answer?  

Trapped in Parent Land

Parent Land: (Noun) 1.When Someone whom is a parent gets caught up in thinking that their young children daily plot new ways to offend them. 2. Someone caught up in perpetual parent guilt. 3. A place where parents meet to hopefully find camaraderie and to show battle scars.

This is where I am at. Trapped in reruns. I often don't enjoy reruns of some shows. And honestly, who in the world wants to watch mine? Not I, thank you very much.

I seriously find my self offended by and sensitive with my children. Daily I am experiencing a feeling that they really don't like me, enjoy dissing and not listening to me. In one word: I feel disrespected by my children. They are only 2 and 4.  Really?

DON'T you dare say it to impose some self-righteousness, "Welcome to parenting." 

Instead, I am writing this to share my struggle. To voice out what I am feeling in hopes to understand and (see #3 in the definition of Parent Land).

I have always been labeled a sensitive person. I like to call myself compassionate and conscientious if you don't mind.  So I possess a very uncanny sense of the motivation of others, but this is usually better executed with older children and adults. This can be a curse as I find myself questioning people more than I probably ever should. I do this with my children. Yes, sometimes it bores itself out of my insecurities. Out of my need for approval.

But, what if I am wrong? I am wrong at times. What if my children are just well, being children? Here comes the parent guilt! See, I am feeling like my children and I are butting heads more than I want. That I fail more at parenting then succeed. I am afraid they will grow up carrying my baggage or have the issues I still face as an adult. 

I want to protect them. 

Protect them from me...from my sins. I want them to see this woman after God's own heart and not think, hypocrite.

To understand  and clearly see my faith, my love for the Lord...how much I CANNOT and REFUSE to do life without the Lord. He is my hero...my Savior.

YET...I will never do it perfectly. What if I have already crossed the line? What if the yelling, impatience or harshness has already ruined things? What if the hugs, kisses, pats on the back, loving discipline, saying, "I am sorry for..." and open heart and arms is not enough?

What then? 

God steps in and tells my heart, "I've got this, so hand it over."

      AND...

I am reminded, "...The world and all its people belong to Him." Psalm 24:1 

Alright, your turn. Share your battle scars with me...


Linking up with: http://www.findingheaventoday.com/ 
 

Breaking Chairs...sometimes ya gotta interpret the poetry: #2

Today, I am linking up with one of my favorite 
party blogs: Soli Deo Gloria (Jen rocks!)
http://www.findingheaventoday.com/ 
 
I despise labels and roles...they remind me of being forced to sit in the same chair at the dinner table because nobody likes change. Or perhaps they are less comfortable with spontaneity...prefer routine?

Sure, labels on merchandise help you buy baking powder so you don't make the mistake of buying baking soda, but human labels...limit people. Labels lie. Hurt actually.  

Some labels are desirable, but mostly I don't want them. I find myself getting too tangled up in them and trying to doing something to keep those labels...skinny, doesn't look her age, pretty, responsible, great mom, good Christian girl...It's exhausting.

6 months? That is....a long time.

6 months. Daunting. No. Freeing.

The challenge: One dessert a week for 6 months. (No sweet drinks, sugary cereals, etc. either)!
The incentive: Cash from a generous, loving donor.
The first thought: What did I just sign up for? No chocolate sans one day?!? Are you kidding me?

 Our sugar challenge started on Jan. 1st and ended on June 30th. There were eight adults doing the challenge. If we cheated, we lost $15 for each cheat. Yes, I cheated 3 times...I wasn't the only one. Hey, willpower is overrated.  

So why am I writing this? To boast? Nope. To encourage and entertain? Hopefully.

Why did I agree to this? For my health and to prove to myself that I could do it.

 Not all challenges are a bad thing.

I was surprised at what I learned. (Plus the benefits)..here goes:

      

My choice really offended others. Somehow people took my choice quite personally. Not just that I wouldn't enjoy a dessert with them, but as if I was convicting them. I did my best to downplay my choice, but it kept surfacing. Some criticized or acted like I was weird or out of my mind. 

      Maybe they were right, but I believe sugar is VERY addictive. Sugar is like a drug..If you don't believe me then think about this...even on the first day off the challenge, I could feel the temptation rising up to return to my old patterns of eating sugar...I wanted to...I haven't and I won't. AND...It takes more than 40 days to break a habit. REALLY.

     FREEDOM!!!! Sugar doesn't have the same hold on me anymore. I found that when I did enjoy a dessert once a week that the more rich the dessert was the less I desired it. It practically made me sick. I discovered that sugar could be conquered, but it still has a strong pull. I found self-control actually existed in this area of my life.  

All eight people passed the challenge, but to me the greater "impossible" mission will be to not go back to how it was. It is easier to not fight what is pleasurable than to realize you are better off without it. NOT that I am trying to convince any of you to bid fair well to sugar forever. Even we are not doing that...we just choose to keep sugar to a very low minimum.  I mean processed, added sugar and desserts, not naturally occurring sugar in fruit or added sugar to food not considered a dessert such as a slice of bread.
                         I can honestly say that I am changed.  Wonder what other habit I should consider breaking in 6 months? Hmmmm.

Posting at Soli Deo Gloria (Join us) @
http://www.findingheaventoday.com/

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

She lied to me again. 

Whispered deceitfully in my ear, "You don't deserve to do anything great and you might as well quit now save embarrassment. Who do you think you are anyway?"

And for most of my life I have listened to HER: my own voice deny me this truth: You are deeply significant because God created you.

  Then God leads me to this book where the quote above came from: 

Designing a Woman's Life by Judith Couchman. And I know He is speaking to me in a way I understand. He knows I will read this and I will listen and it will dislodge another thorn from my lying flesh. He knows that Judith's purpose fulfilled in her will influence and inspire me to want to fulfill mine.

My curious-loves-to-learn-and-read self isn't going to ignore the summary on the back of the book. It draws me in and it is meant to...at least at this point in my life.

So I begin to learn again that I am worthy. It helps me to revisit my talents and my gifts. To remember how they were used and how aspects of dreams happened. I understand that God can provide many visions, but they all stem from my one purpose (who I am or perhaps why God made me). 

 Yet, I have allowed fear of success AND fear of failure rule.

 The flesh fights what it really wants: worth. 

I wince, no, nervously laugh at the contradiction.

On one hand, I fear failure with its' cliches of looking like a fool, breaking a promise, or multitudes of rejection proving me a loser.

Then, there's the fear of success and I almost can't write about this, but if I don't then I only exacerbate my affliction.

Fearing success? Yep. Seriously how can one be afraid of success? Who does this? Oh, me...right. Are we not supposed to be overjoyed when things go well? 

I actually believe that achieving a dream or getting something I desire is a truly bad thing. I don't deserve it. I worry that the success will go to my head. I know this isn't entirely correct. God will get the glory.  

And as I type this...He speaks this to my heart:

...To obey is better than sacrifice. 1 Samuel 15:22 NIV

Yes, to obey is to ignore my low self-esteem (a form of pride). To obey is to abandon my human misunderstandings and doubt.

Today I am choosing to believe. Believe Him when he says, I have plans for you...a future. Jeremiah 29:11NIV

I am going to find my purpose and I smile.  

What is worth the effort and what I wish was easier too.

He said, "Ya know it would be nice if some things in life just came more naturally. So many things take work."
It is true. I am not sure if there is really something that doesn't. Even if physical is not involved there's always mental or emotional to consider.
But what I want to tell him, I don't. It will only come across as a lecture.  

There are a few things really worth the effort!
 In no certain order 


1. Relationships
Yes, I wish sometimes they were not so complicated and that some of mine were less strained, but investing in others is a great gift. We learn to be less selfish. I am understood. Tremendous pain, anger, forgiveness and joy come from these connections. My head is filled with memories, laughter where your side hurts and your face aches. Where who I am is stretched. Challenged. Changed forever.
  Those I call family and friends are irreplaceable treasures. In my most difficult circumstances, a few of the above have provided great comfort and support...even cheering or encouragement. It is better to not be alone. We might be tempted to paint a volleyball and call it Wilson.

2. Fulfilling your purpose...or dream or passion...
   Not much of an explanation is needed here...no matter what you do if you love it than you feel fulfilled. A sense of significance. Where passion and desire meet. Maybe you have to trudge through impossible feats like numerous college degrees or grueling training or better yet the dreaded waiting, but in the end if you are doing something that fits you then it will be worth the sweat. I love this quote...it sums it up:

“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”
― Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC

 

3. Getting to know God (and living out my faith)
My most important achievement. One that actually doesn't require pulling my hair out or a ton of exertion. I am free to be me with the Lord and there isn't a heavy burden of condition placed on me.  There's only grace, love, mercy, deep delight. I am unique and created to do something only I can do in God's name. Trusting Him with my life. With everything. Not knowing, often waiting, but still resting in hope and in the understanding that He will never abandon me.

So switching gears...here is what I wish was easier... 

1. Parenting
   I love my boys, but sometimes I just don't know how to stop a behavior they are doing that is so not okay. Sometimes hubby and I try strategies that fail and then we are at a lost. Often they drive us crazy with their choices. We try so hard to not be too permissive or military dictators, but we tend to do more barking of orders.  I just wish for one day that I would wake up and magically my children would be sane and under control at the store, pick up their toys when there done playing with them, sleep in late and I wouldn't have to say, "Please don't _______ your brother." 

2. Relationships 
  I know what I said earlier, but yeah to receive what I said above, it takes considerable patience, a daily choice to forgive, clarify and communicate. Exhausting. Sacrificial too. Sometimes you have to end a relationship and that is just plain uncomfortable or heartbreaking. Some prove dangerous and leave us scarred and hesitant towards future ones. A dream relationship would go like this...I am completely understood all the time, listened to, never betrayed, I feel secure in it and both parties needs are met.

3.  Hodge Podge  
The following are items that need no defining, but I wish they were easier and or perhaps more convenient?
   Exercise, math, looking younger, losing loved ones, juggling, not repeating bad habits, changing, cooking healthy, gourmet meals, memorizing scripture and toy packaging. Just to name a few.

So what about you? What do you think is worth the effort and what do you wish was easier?  

Not Into Fake

5 Minutes to write about REAL.







When you don't pretend that didn't hurt. I confessed my true feelings. Not brutally honest, but no one has to second guess how I really feel about it.

I don't put band aids on your hurts. No pink thinking. No warm fuzzies. I say, "I don't know and and I don't know why?" I listen. I just be.

I cried and you let me. You said, "Dionne, I don't know what to say." That is EXACTLY what you say. There are no words for this really.

I don't want to be here. I don't want this pain. I want God to take it away. I don't want the confusion.

I don't understand and maybe I never will. I want to run away sometimes.

I feel like I am trapped in some other person's story and only a few want to read the true one.

A spoonful of courage to write this now

I love this time of year. Really, what's not to like?

Okay, not everyone has the perfect situation, family, or wealth to make this a "Pottery Barn" extravaganza. However, isn't it all in your head or heart?

I feel like this time of year brings out the worst and best of me.

I give more, I dwell in the past more, I cherish more, want more (greedy girl), and I have more gratitude for what I do possess.

Why am I like a good and evil twin all wrapped up? (sorry for the pun).

Is it the pressure of the holiday? Is it the expectations? The need to bake perfectly frosted cookies?

The fact that I know I am present wrapping challenged?

(I seriously cannot keep the paper tight and unwrinkled)

Although, I am sure some of those reasons affect my psyche in a harmful way...well, a lot of it is just plain silly...not worth getting all worked up about it.

BUT...

This year is different. I actually faced a few pieces of the problems that have been causing me anxiety and bringing out some of my ugly side.

I am lonely. I need connections that don't happen in 4 months. I need patience. I have friends. They just don't live in the same town. I am also full of what if's and how comes?

It is my relationship with my father.

All of my life I have felt invisible when I am around my father. I can be in the same room as him and still feel like a ghost. It injures self-worth.

How does one person have so much power over me?

I am no perfect daughter. There's no such thing as a flawless father.

All I really want my dad to do is be interested in me. Like me. Notice how different I am now as a 30 something adult. I want him to be in love with his grandchildren.

I have forgiven him. I just want a relationship. A child shouldn't have to beg for a relationship. Is our relationship that indispensable to him?

He is my only remaining parent on earth. I don't want to feel like an orphan.

I have tried everything. Kindness, space, forgiveness, amends, respect, pictures, cards, phone calls. All in vain. I have OFFICIALLY moved to the label of a stalker.

God says to honor thy mother and father. Is it more honoring to leave him be?

Should I quit? Give up? Let it go?

I haven't made my decision yet. I should probably ask a counselor their thoughts...?

Hard Questions: Part 3: The final installment of the Adkison Sagas

Above: the house we sold in Ft. Collins.

Do you like my title?
Sarcasm and silliness is my kind of humor.

In case you missed the first two in the trio or you are lost, here is a synopsis:

On August 3rd, we drove the curvy, steep, but beautiful Interstate 70 from Fort Collins to Grand Junction, Colorado. We were leaving a placed we really like because Chris got a full-time teaching job at a middle school. We believed and still do that the Lord wants us to be in Grand Junction. I am struggling because I am lonely and I am a Stay-at-Home mom for the first time. I am still unsure about this new label and my place in life right now. Chris and I miss Ft. Collins A LOT!

From the second part of the story...

12 Arduous, Amazing Years

Hubby and I celebrated 12 years on 12-11-11.












12 years ago this day, we made a choice to be committed to each other for life.

8 years were especially arduous. All have been really amazing.

Arduous times:
Four deaths in one year, losing a job because of the economy just AFTER agreeing to buy a home, changing jobs, changing careers twice, going back to college, moving to a new state or city, family frustrations, finding another great church, a child in a hospital, being a charity case or dependent on others for help, going without to do the right thing, surgeries, injuries, a Peeping Tom, the invasion of mice, severe allergic reaction to mean Yellow Jackets, rejection and letting go of things you hold dear.

Amazing times:
Experiencing forgiveness, round pregnant bellies, the birth of two, healthy boys, newborn cries, being closer (mentally, emotionally and now physically) to family, aging, seeing beautiful places and being in nature together, climbing rocks, climbing spiritual mountains, giving anonymously, laughing, learning to be parents, working as a team, seeing the Sequoia Trees, playing in mountain rivers, supporting each other through disappointments, with health goals, with sugar challenges (smile).

It is easier to focus on the difficulties of marriage and life. The world in general doesn't seem to be for healthy marriages, but I am.

We've never had a perfect marriage. We've both hurt each other, but we have both loved each other through those hurts.

I want another 12 years and more of all of it. I would do it all again.


I married my best friend!



(Which is why I can get a way with making a silly face and in tricking my husband into thinking my face was normal...haha!)

Hard Questions: Part 2

So my newest, hard question from my son is, "How come your mommy passed away?" Good question. The best I could come up with is that our bodies get old and stop working. The Lord wanted my mom to be with him in heaven.

He seemed pretty okay with that answer, but still had a baffled look on his face because he wanted more why and I really didn't know what to say.

I want more why too! I can be quiet frustrated and pained by less why. My patience is strained when I don't have a clue to what the answer is to my question(s).