Sad, where I am strong is where I am weak too.

I am not sure what the problem is I just know that I feel sad. Okay, I know a little...

Change. I feel it coming. See this is where I am strong and yet, where I am weak at the same time. Does this not contradict? If you don't know me well, this is typical. I tend to clash myself. I am a Gemini. No, I don't believe in that literally, but I seriously am divided in certain areas of my life.

Change=weak=strong.

Here's why:

I like change because it makes life interesting. It keeps me from 

feeling bored. It can be exciting and adventurous. It means God is about to reveal a piece of his plan or use me.

Then, the other side of me loathes it. Words such as transition, new, waiting, loneliness,

unfamiliarity, and out-of-your-comfort zone come to mind and I want to run away 

with fingers in ears.

That last line seriously shows my bratty, scared kid side. Oh, well, my blog is all about being real and raw so at least I am keeping up with that huh?

I am sad because one of the changes that is coming isn't actually about me, but it affects me. It hurts.

Then, there is the change I can't stop or hold onto that is dangling in front of my face and taunting me. There's change that is about sacrifice and it is necessary, but it doesn't make it easy.

I need the Father to really hold my head and heart. I ask the Father to hold those whom the change is affecting far greater than me. I am praying for God sized courage and enthusiasm as I fasten my seat belt once again for this ride called, life.

What about you? What do you do with change that is inevitable? What changes do you feel weakest? Where do you feel strong?

Linking up at Soli Deo Gloria

Celebrating victory, when you need a victory...waiting.

She had a placenta tear and bleeding and trauma. Her baby and her in jeopardy. And I prayed almost every day and sometimes twice a day. I prayed for hope, healing, and for protection. A few weeks later,victory: 7cm to 5cm and then the tear gone! A few weeks more...no bleeding. No danger. And my heart is bursting with praise and joy and I want to shout to the world that the Lord hears us. That sometimes he truly DOES heal! That life isn't all about trials. We have triumphs too!

Somehow, even in my joy in this miracle for my friend, I am finding joy in a healing that hasn't occurred. Well, maybe not yet. See, I am waiting for healing for my hubby. I am at the point of begging for mercy, for answers, to not feel lost. We want to quit playing Russian Roulette with his health. It is hard to watch my spouse suffer with headaches, nausea and other discomforts and not know what God is doing, but I still have joy in what God is doing.
   As Eileen Pollinger says in her book, Building Christian Discipline...we look forward expectantly that God will do something. We are holding back from solving the problem ourselves...we don't have a solution anyways.
We are at our weakest: waiting for God to move.  We have done some research and seen doctors with no real hope in those systems. We've talked to friends with similar symptoms and seen God use them.
Perhaps it is wheat intolerance? Some other allergy? We can only ponder and wonder in our waiting.

We are available and ready for when the answer comes and it might not be the answer we hope for, but I feel closer to my husband more than ever. I am exercising and joyfully fulfilling my helpmate role. This is good, so good for our marriage. 

We need a victory and it will come, but oh how hard waiting is, huh?

Your turn: What victory are you celebrating, what victory do you need and are waiting for?

When you can't see the fruit...(in leadership)

Here I go again...admitting something in writing.
          I can't see the fruit. I know what God has asked of me. I have obeyed. It has been 6 months. I don't see apples falling down all around me. 

So what do ya do when you can't see the fruit? My first thought? Quit. Yeah, cause that would be easy, but then it isn't obeying. It's Jonah thinking. Run away...because that will make the apples happen. Please tell me you caught my sarcasm. 

I can't quit. I don't want to. I know better. I want a fruit smoothie adventure, but I am impatient. There, I said it. I despise that word.

I am in a voluntary administrative position...something I believe does NOT fit me and yet, I was called to it? Just for the record, NO personality test or spiritual gift test has ever put administrative high on my list.  The Lord thinks otherwise. I better go with him lest I forget the last "God spanking" I had. It wasn't pretty.
No, I am not making light of any of this or on obeying God. This is just hard. It is hard being the one to delegate and sort of be in charge humanly speaking. It is difficult to be the one up there wondering if the eyes looking back at you are judging, frustrated or if the smile is genuine. Am I meeting at least some of their needs with the choices I have made? Is that even my job?

Then, I remember what it is like to be on the other side of the fence. How much easier it is to do nothing and to wonder what the "leader" was thinking when they chose to do something one way. To be the one who has NO clue how hard it is to lead.

All I really want to do is love and minister to other women in similar seasons of life. I want all that God has done for me to NOT be in vain. I want to share what the Lord has done, but honestly, this particular role in my life just doesn't seem to do that. I don't get to share much of me with anyone.
Instead, it is decisions, decisions, speakers, watch the time, do this, do that, chop, chop.

I gotta be me...I am suffocating here. Okay, yes, a piece of me exist in this position. I have had a chance to be silly. I've made others smile. If only they knew how much I care about them, this MOPS ministry, and how much I want them to belong and love it like I do.
Am I doing it for them, for me or for God? I think all three.

SO...When you can't see the fruit and you know you are doing God's will and you are walking daily with Him, then all that is left is to honor Him...show reverence and love through faith and obedience.

Yahweh Yireh...I need to keep my heart and head focused on you. Help me to know that I don't have to see the fruit to know that you are producing it.

Happily linking up with:



http://www.findingheaventoday.com/

31 Days to Grace (Day 20): In Opportunities

On Friday, I received a hug from a student whom came to my art enrichment class three times. I don't know why she hugged me. Maybe it was because I smiled and treated her with respect? I don't know, but this temporary job is an opportunity to do more than teach children for 6 weeks. More than just encouraging creativity. Perhaps it is to shine hope or light where there isn't; I know for sure that it has been a chance to love and serve a child I may never see again for the sake of the cross.

From my students, I heard hurt. I saw it too. I felt their frustration and need for approval. And in my own human way, with the talents, skills and heart God gave me, I tried to help them. I am not sure if I have, but that won't stop me from being me with those kids. I want nothing to hinder me from obeying God and I don't want to miss his plans for my life.

When I choose to disobey, I pass up possibilities. I forego more of God's grace. You see, He give us all grace through meaningful assignments. For it is in the listening where we hear God share with us his loving purposes. Grace in serving that matters.  

Where the privilege of doing something in his name unfolds neatly in our hands and heart.

Oh, what a gift this is...I see it in being a MOPS Coordinator; I try to create a loving and accepting atmosphere each meeting. I desire for all moms to feel comfortable and welcome. I see God working...probably in me the most.

I see it in being a mom and wife. I am trying to model how to support one another and what it looks like to faithfully follow the Lord. Creating a home with abundant and limitless hugs, kisses, understanding and forgiveness. Hoping that my support and love towards my spouse shows my boys that they deserve to be treated with respect by whom they marry.  Again, God working, in my home to impact my family because I am obeying.

Friendships, strangers, neighbors...He is offering and I take it...I want to keep taking it. To delight in the spiritual joy it provides.

I am utterly addicted to His grace in opportunities. 

What about you? What opportunities has God placed in your lap?

31 Days to Grace (Day 3): What Grace can really mean.

 Day 3: What Grace can really mean.

 
What is the most quoted meaning of grace? I'll give you three guesses.  
Grace is the unmerited favor of God.

Favor...blessings, forgiveness, understanding, mercy, healing, peace that passes understanding, joy, a changed self and life eternal. 

We can't earn the above, but in choosing obedience, in laying down pride, in admitting failures we find God's deepest grace.

We can come to the cross any time and find Jesus' love...Jesus' greatest act of grace there. And we won't find mocking or I told you so or criticism. He won't turn his back on us. 

We may want to turn our back on him in an attempt to hide our shame, our ugliness, but even in that moment Jesus will tenderly cusp our faces in his hand to point us back to the cross. To be reminded gently of what grace can and does really mean.

Thank you so much Jesus.
 

The Clues are Everywhere: Part II (serving and the domino effect)

On July 19th of this year, I began to write about a recurring theme that God keeps sending my way; Something to do with serving, what it is to look like in my life, and how it influences others in a positive way. From sermons, to music, to videos and bible studies, God couldn't say it any louder: Dionne, I want to show you how to really serve me. 

Here are some more insights...

    A few come from this bible study: Designing a Woman's Life by Judith Couchman

--Through our purpose we can influence the world for God's Kingdom.

 

 " 'You are my witnesses,' declares the Lord, 'and my servant who I have chosen." -Isaiah 43:10

Isn't that what I want? In my search for significance, being chosen to do something noble, meaningful and or purposeful? To be spiritually influential? Yes! That is the greatest blessing and a huge privilege of serving the Lord!  To know that if I choose to believe and follow the Lord; that if I open my mind and heart to be changed, redeemed, forgiven, then somehow there is a domino effect.

 Today at church, the sermon was about this very notion. We never know who we are influencing spiritually or how our one decision to obey can lead to others choosing Christ. Others can be encouraged or find hope in our hope: Jesus.  Perhaps over and over?

Yet, can I expect to be spiritually influential if I am not willing to get my hands dirty? Be a bit marginalized? Not thinking poorly of myself, but rightly about me...a sinner saved through Jesus' sacrifice on the cross whom is valuable to him and his service.- Judith Couchman  

 

To lose my life (die to so much self) and serve others with humility, for Christ and NO other gain or reason.

   This is where I hit a wall. Serving isn't about my influence so much as it is about serving Christ. I feel tempted always to make it about me. To feel worthy with the results instead of feeling worthy because I am Jesus' friend, I belong to him, and he chooses me for his glory and purpose!!

Jesus spoke numerous times about serving. He was the fullest embodiment of servant hood. 

He didn't use his equality with God, but rather humbled himself to a horrific death on a cross. (see Phil. 2:6-8). His greatest act of serving was the sacrifice of his life for us!

I am eager to understand and know more about where to serve. God has definitely showed me why and in a way how.

I do serve my hubby and children. I serve my friends. I hope I have inspired them for good and that it is Christ who shines in any attempt I make to point to him.

So where? Hmmm...I will let you know. Please pray for me.

Do you have a where in your life...a place or situation where you are serving? Please share!

Tuesday's Twice blogged: The Gift of Obedience is like rockclimbing...

I decided to post this blog again because it speaks about what I am currently learning in my life at the moment.

 When you choose to rock climb you can't just start climbing. It takes special tools and devices, practice, expertise, and a guide to help you learn how to top-rope or do what is called, trad climbing. All of that takes someone with experience to put cams, or what I call safety insurance, etc. into the rock...you can't safely climb a rock without any of the above.  Then, there is the person below you who belays you...that means they hold the rope tight so when or if you fall, the belayer in a sense stops you from falling (or dying, yikes). 


To me...this what obedience means...saying yes to God and then relying on Him to catch you from falling, to provide when you choose His way. It is giving up control and trusting the "Belayer."

Yes, that is me on the rock! This isn't the risk I am necessarily referring too later, but being obedient to the Lord is a lot like this picture: rocky, where when we are in the dark, uncertain of where and when we will find the next foothold or handhold to continue our obedience  is when we must realize that the Lord is trustworthy. When He calls us He is holding us (ropes, helmets, harness). We are NEVER alone...We have a personal, amazing belayer! We will eventually see victory...a view we could never imagine or accomplish on our own.

 I said, "Yes." You blessed us again. You showed me because I watched and listened. I said, "Master, here I am. I want to serve you."

Here are things I have said yes too...what I am trying to be obedient in:
  I accepted the Coordinator position for the MOPS (Mother's Of Preschoolers) program here in Grand Junction. I am waiting for approval from the Pastor who holds the ministry at his church. I will help run meetings and support all involved (teachers, table leaders, etc.).


I know it is what the Lord called me to do because it wasn't my idea, it is my heart to minister to other Christian women, AND...it is beyond me. I haven't led like this before. I am nervous, but He will provide what I don't have. I am excited...standing in the trenches ready to serve.


Yes, to staying home for another year. Homeschooling my under 5 sons for now. It looks like God is providing the same job for hubby. He likes his job. God provided some extra money to help us as well.
Yes, to an amazing Bible Study about saying yes to God and doing it online on Skype with my best friend.


Yes, to less of me and more of the Lord. Yes, to taking risks with God.
Yes to trying new activities, or refining the old activities or desires I have always had. 

BUT...

asking God, what should I do with my time? What about this? Should I do it?

I really want Him to be in every part of my life. Desiring strongly that He gets the glory. Fine-tuning my listening abilities and obedience. Trying to let go of being too hard on myself when I   fail to do any of the above.

So the gifts are the joy that is coming, the changes I have experienced and the freedom of not always getting it right but receiving mercy and forgiveness. Then, there is the opportunity to serve the most amazing God...

that is the greatest gift: That He wants me to do something for Him.

***Please share your story of the gift of obedience...What gifts have you seen?

Unmet expectation

  










I dislike that I have expectations because that means that I am only thinking about what I want. It represents disappointment since nothing EVER goes perfectly as planned.  How do you not have them when you are looking forward to a visit? Forward to a special event? I have been in this new town for a year and have expected to make a close friend, connect to a church, want to be here, but these are unmet expectations.  Then I realize that having expectations is like hope. It is waiting for something to hang on to and often it is all that keeps one breathing. I'll admit...in trusting God I can't help but anticipate that there will be answers even if those answers don't match mine. I expect to see the Lord working at some point. Blessings do arrive eventually.
The Lord wants us to expect to see Him...and I do and I am grateful.

What to do about Lemons...

Ya know that pucker face you make when you bite into a lemon? The sour that lingers? I want to scrape it off my tongue. Or chase it away with something sweet. This time, there is no sugar to coat it. No human remedy to rid the lemon(s) existing currently in my life.

 It happens when handed news after news that things around you are breaking down. That what appeared to be stable is crumbling or flat broke.  Let me explain...

Hubby and I were given a financial gift, a blessing that will (or seemed to) provide what we need for me to stay home, to be able to be with my children and serve outside the home in ways that make it impossible if I were working. So we were of course grateful and pleased at this blessing.

THEN...

Like weeds out of nowhere popping up all over my yard, the lemons revealed themselves one by one.

1. The garbage disposal is cracked and done. $100-150

2. The back passenger window on our Jeep decided to fall off the track-it is held in place by my ingenious hubby's toothbrush resolution...they are keeping it from sliding down. $300-500

3. The back porch roof is leaking. It is collecting water and we better fix it before it crashes down. $100-?

4. The water pump that gives us water for our grass, trees, etc. is leaking and won't work properly if  we don't fix it. $200-300

5. Son and hubby need the dentist to do some major repairs on their teeth for which insurance WILL NOT cover. $2000 approx.

6. The jet on the jet tub died...at least we can still shower or bathe.

That equals about half of the substantial gift gone.

okay, 

so some of the above we can certainly

 live without and is not like having no heat in the winter, no hot water or even food.

But, it is hard to understand God's plan. Hard to see what He is doing. On one hand, maybe the gift was to provide for these lemons er, problems. Perhaps it is testing where our priorities are and whether we will trust God with all of it. We have been praying for wisdom and decided we could forgo the disposal and jet tub for awhile. Stinky trash isn't all that bad I guess.

My close friend sent me a text about a sermon her pastor preached on about Gideon. So I had to read it. Flipping through Judges and capturing the whole picture of how Gideon and ONLY three hundred men fought off an enemy numbering beyond hundred thousand (the armies had settled into the valley like a swarm of locusts) made me think of my situation: the lemons outnumber us too.

God made Gideon give up 10,000...God said,"With these 300 men, I will rescue you and give you victory over the Midianites." Gideon defeated a vast army with less. By blowing ram's horns and revealing blazing torches he confused his enemy and they fought each other or ran away.  

He won with less than what seemed reasonable. 

With obedience, we will fix our lemons and I will stay home. We will obey God on less than what seems reasonable to live. We will trust God to give us the wisest ways to handle all of our lemons (enemies). 

What lemons are you facing?