Somewhere between Sheltering and Exposing

"Aren't we supposed to be in the world...just not of it?"
"Yes, we are, but..."
"You can't shelter your kids too much, we all have to face the world at some point."
"True. but..."

When do you know the line between sheltering or exposing too much? Who wrote the rules that said I need to throw my kids to the wolves/the world if I want them to grow up healthy, normal, socialized and so they won't resent me later or run away screaming at the age of 18?

 I home school my kids. I am that mom, but this is not a post to convince you to do it and I am not going to whine about my rights.

It is just lately, I have felt uneasy. Not because I am second guessing that God called me to do this for my children at the moment, but because my feathers have been ruffled, so to speak (see conversation above). I don't shy away completely from opposing thoughts. However, my mind gets pinched with doubt. I am great at doubting myself which is why I have to be really intentional at getting hard tasks, etc. accomplished. Since this person challenged me, my thoughts have lingered to questioning if it is less about home schooling versus public school (and it is) and more about fear.

See, I want to be somewhere between sheltering and exposing...balancing...That. Can. Wait. You will learn it soon enough coupled with what do you do when? If ? Can my children be polite, but powerful when they need to stand up for themselves or others?
Yet, my greatest desire is the opportunity to preserve the child in my children a bit longer more than seeing how they do when they fall.

 Roll your eyes, but 

it comes from the fact that before the age of 8, I was super-overexposed to  

sex, adult content, very disturbing/scary images and movies. I was abused by family members and friends of my family and I was blamed! Yes, you read that right.

Perhaps, I am only fueled by fear. Sure, I won't deny it. Yes, I am sometimes guilty of being over-protective. Yet, I know I need to loosen the reigns each year as they grow from little boys, to big boys to young men. Both of my sons need to fail, they need to problem solve on their own and think for themselves. They need to be challenged and tempted.

I know it is a trust issue. I was so mistreated that I fear the breaking of 

their hearts and the aftermath that comes with it. How it destroys innocence and trust. 

I need to trust God with them...with me...knowing he gave them to me...He chose me to be their mom and no matter how I may fail them, he will redeem it. His plans and purposes for them will not be thwarted.

Happily linking up here today for some authentic sister hood:

Easter food for thought...

As different people do different activities on this day, my mind and heart went here:

We are a people who believe in nothing or something. Humanity can choose

devotion to one God or many Gods or no God.

Yet...

the God I am devoted to is the most loyal, loving God I know. How?

He is the only God who ever endured humiliation, betrayal, mocking 

and beating to demonstrate that we are THAT important

to him. Love's a sacrifice and he did that because he wants us to be with him-forever

HAPPY EASTER!

Stupid food, when you cringe and joy.

Anyone else wonder what's up with my title?  It just doesn't go together, right?

I am a multitasking mama-I couldn't quit juggling my thoughts long enough to put one down so I decided to include all three (big, trying to look cute, forgive me grin).

Food is stupid. I mean dealing with food. Stupid. Hubby has migraines and sometimes nausea from a lot of not so whole, fresh food (read any thing unnatural, preservative/MSG lathered and laden). Lest I forget, there's oats, chocolate and beef  that all cause issues. So I broke down and bought a food processor. There's only so much STUPID hand chopping,slicing and dicing to do. Honestly, I love Garlic just not when my hands smell like it. No more teary eyes from cutting onions.  I hear some of you cheering. Now, I do have to say that I still love that I possess Miracle Blades and so cutting one item where I don't need a food processor is lovely.

Sometimes it's the machine's turn to do the dirty work. Hip-hip hooray...it sliced potatoes for baked not fried taters in seriously a matter of seconds! I am thinking that I will experience a new found giddyness before I realize that's what it is...blending my own nut butters or black bean burgers will be practically effortless. 
So all of this figuring out what items in a bag, can or box are acceptable to buy has become a chore and I might go blind from reading the labels. Nonetheless, at least there are some items. My newest hurdle has been what to cook, what to substitute, and well, what to eat. Too bad we can't live on junk mail as there seems to be an endless supply.

*****

OKAY...so you know when you cringe and experience joy simultaneously?..I feel like saying these are mutually exclusive, but I would be lying.

             Speaking in front of groups of people-now there's where I didn't look forward to it and then I did. Huh? I know it doesn't make sense.

Today, I am cringing at the steps, paperwork and plethora of meetings toward getting my first child into a good, safe school. Yet, I am experiencing moments of joy as I feel the Lord holding me. As I feel the effect of trusting Him...where I am not in control and I can't make things happen. Nope, no amount of influencing, planning, or strategic moves is gonna affect where my child goes to school.

Then, I relish in these moments of joy and peace. Knowing that my heart is okay when it feels two emotions at once. Knowing that the Lord who entrusted this first boy to me will protect him as he as always protected me. 

I see the grace. I strongly desire this joy and for the first time in my life, this year, I am understanding God's unspeakable joy...please don't let it end or I will cringe.

What the current contents in my purse say about me...

I was in middle school when I carried my first purse. It was a neutral color with a long shoulder strap and not very big. I didn't carry much: a brush, mirror, coins because I rarely had any cash, Bubblicious Bubble gum (think 80's and blowing big bubbles) and a picture or two.

Ya know that joke where the older you get the bigger your purse gets? Well, in my case, it is more like the older I get the more stuff I haul around in my same-sized, medium purse! I just can't bring myself to buy a bigger purse. And so the purpose of my bag is no longer about feeling grown up or a fashion statement or to hold my driver's license and ya know, tampons. Yes, I used the "T" word.

The contents in my purse as I write this?...

The usual

A wallet, brush with hair-ties, keys, sunglasses, cell phone, a mirror, women stuff, receipts, and lip gloss.

The necessities when I launched my professional career

A pocket calendar, paper pad, pens, breath mints, Tylenol, hand sanitizer, oil blotting paper, lotion coupons/gift cards/ or point cards.

Surprise necessities...around 2007 

1. An Epi-pen for when a wasp or bee decides to sting me.

2. Powdered sunscreen or some organic kinds: My skin is allergic to something in most sunscreens available.

The I wouldn't have ever had this in my purse before kids contents:

     1. Crayons/Activity books-need I say more?

     2. Hand wipes (for sticky moments and the mysterious white crud around my kid's mouths). 

     3. Sugar packets...for those moments when an unhealthy need for a pick up arises, just kidding. The packets were actually for a cup of coffee I had and wanted to sugar it myself so it wasn't so sweet. They are still in there from a week ago.

     4. Tissue- snotty noses and boogers, of course.

     5. Band-Aides

     6. A pacifier (when they were younger) and now? A car or action figure!

     7. My kid's insurance cards/information for the doctor, etc.

     8. Snacks such as granola bars, bananas, or cheese sticks.

     9. Occasionally, a pair of socks, a diaper or gloves have taken a ride.

     10. A "Mona Lisa" flashlight. Yes, you read that right. I am artsy and it was a gift given to help me find items in my purse when it is dark and or to see the lock at my door when it is dark.

UM, now it is actually another toy to entertain the restless natives at the store.

So, as you can see, I am almost prepared for any kid-like or kid-inducing event! The days of the young woman trying to anticipate and be ready for the cute guy or to be efficient at work is long gone.  Enter the super-adapted momma...ready for gunk, stickiness, owies, germs, hubby's headaches, boredom, and hunger pangs. Ka-pow!

Okay, your turn...what do you have in your purse that well, you know you wouldn't have had even a year ago?

   

In which I think I am ready to jump

My palms are sweaty, my heart's racing, while fear courses thru my heart and veins. There's never a moment that I think of jumping out into the sky...of letting it all go. He has strapped me to him. He has a parachute and so do I. He's got my life literally in his hands and well, he knows it is okay if we jump. Gulp. I don't desire it. I can't do it. He says I can. I don't want to, thank you.

Instead, I would rather be strapped to my chair until I touch ground. It's safer on the ground. My feet can touch and I have some control. 

To make matters worse, I have to jump twice. Um, yeah. Twice!

What if's run through my head. I ache. I am torn. What if I am hearing it all wrong? What if the jumping leads to injury that's permanent? One that I feel for sure I can't recover from. At least that's how it feels right now.

My first jump involves my first born child. He's five. School is looming. Decisions, deadlines, meetings, paperwork and defining choices hang in the air. Every inch I move toward the inevitable makes me ache. Like pushing through deep snow with a layer of ice on top each step stings. I've entertained home schooling, half-day kindergarten and we are signed up for popular schools with lottery systems.  I am not sure what is best for my child. Not entirely anyway. Some of of this I can't control and this is good. No control means God is in complete control.

This is what I really want.

 For God to be in control. Complete control. Here's my recent conversation, "God, you can go ahead and do all the work. You can go ahead and make the decisions for me. I will just sit back and be the chicken, wimpy mommy I am. Okay? Great."

        I also realize that not being ready to send my child off into the world without my hovering, without my protection isn't wrong. In my opinion, it is great. It makes me a loving mom. Okay, yes, I know eventually I have to let him grow up and grow away from me, but how long can I hold that off cause I only think I am ready to jump.

MY SECOND JUMP? It has more consequences than the first. Really!

It involves letting go of relationships where the two involved don't respect me. Where their selfishness gets in the way. They are volatile, unsafe and toxic. I mentioned in a post recently that I don't know why I hang on. This jump feels raw. It feels severe and yet, necessary. There is no point in keeping relationships with family or anyone where there is no reciprocating. Where investing only leads to more hurt, more agony. I haven't even spoken to one in over two years. 

I think I am ready to jump. I hold on tight as the wind of fear slaps me in all directions. God holds me close and whispers, "I know what is best for you and for your family. I hold a parachute of truth you can trust. Hold onto me, jump and I will catch you, always."

I close my eyes...

Your turn, is there some area of your life where you need to jump?

Happily linking up at Jen's Soli Deo Gloria

Little Superheroes & homemade costumes

Prompt #5: Show us what your kids are wearing for Halloween.

My boys (4 and 2) are really into the super heroes and rescue heroes right now. Anyone who can leap tall buildings, has a powerful green ring or a catchy name like Billy Blazes has won their approval. If they save people or fight off bad guys...these sweet boys of mine want to emulate them.

This year, I chose to do a half homemade/half store bought Superman costume that my boys will be wearing for Halloween this year. I am still working on the boots and capes.

When I was little, we were pretty poor so one year my mom made our costumes on a whim. This was the late 70's and I decided to be a scary ghost. So my mom literally threw a white sheet over me with holes for my eyes and used her red lipstick to create streaks of blood. Awesome.

I think there is something nostalgic and fun about having your own costume made with loving hands. What about you? 

Linking up today with Mama's Losin it
for a little writer's workshop fun...come join! 

Their paths...

 
Sometimes I wonder how their paths will turn out or which direction they will go. Crooked more than straight? Curved, bent wildly or narrow and steep?
I am awed at the very fact that I get to watch it, but nervous about it too. I have two sons mind you. Bless their hearts for they just might invite trouble without meaning to.
Then, I remember who gave them to me. He has their future in His hands. How my prayers for my children do make a difference.
I think about how the Lord took care of me all of my life thus far and how much I've changed. I gaze down my path and see where I chose Him, see the clues of His love, grace and forgiveness.
I trust God with my children completely. I am delighted to be blessed with His children (my sons) and that He trusted me to influence their lives toward Him. I am entrusted to help teach them how to be and love them.  

 I am grateful for this Path!