In which I think I am ready to jump

My palms are sweaty, my heart's racing, while fear courses thru my heart and veins. There's never a moment that I think of jumping out into the sky...of letting it all go. He has strapped me to him. He has a parachute and so do I. He's got my life literally in his hands and well, he knows it is okay if we jump. Gulp. I don't desire it. I can't do it. He says I can. I don't want to, thank you.

Instead, I would rather be strapped to my chair until I touch ground. It's safer on the ground. My feet can touch and I have some control. 

To make matters worse, I have to jump twice. Um, yeah. Twice!

What if's run through my head. I ache. I am torn. What if I am hearing it all wrong? What if the jumping leads to injury that's permanent? One that I feel for sure I can't recover from. At least that's how it feels right now.

My first jump involves my first born child. He's five. School is looming. Decisions, deadlines, meetings, paperwork and defining choices hang in the air. Every inch I move toward the inevitable makes me ache. Like pushing through deep snow with a layer of ice on top each step stings. I've entertained home schooling, half-day kindergarten and we are signed up for popular schools with lottery systems.  I am not sure what is best for my child. Not entirely anyway. Some of of this I can't control and this is good. No control means God is in complete control.

This is what I really want.

 For God to be in control. Complete control. Here's my recent conversation, "God, you can go ahead and do all the work. You can go ahead and make the decisions for me. I will just sit back and be the chicken, wimpy mommy I am. Okay? Great."

        I also realize that not being ready to send my child off into the world without my hovering, without my protection isn't wrong. In my opinion, it is great. It makes me a loving mom. Okay, yes, I know eventually I have to let him grow up and grow away from me, but how long can I hold that off cause I only think I am ready to jump.

MY SECOND JUMP? It has more consequences than the first. Really!

It involves letting go of relationships where the two involved don't respect me. Where their selfishness gets in the way. They are volatile, unsafe and toxic. I mentioned in a post recently that I don't know why I hang on. This jump feels raw. It feels severe and yet, necessary. There is no point in keeping relationships with family or anyone where there is no reciprocating. Where investing only leads to more hurt, more agony. I haven't even spoken to one in over two years. 

I think I am ready to jump. I hold on tight as the wind of fear slaps me in all directions. God holds me close and whispers, "I know what is best for you and for your family. I hold a parachute of truth you can trust. Hold onto me, jump and I will catch you, always."

I close my eyes...

Your turn, is there some area of your life where you need to jump?

Happily linking up at Jen's Soli Deo Gloria