Monday, February 11, 2013

In which I think I am ready to jump

My palms are sweaty, my heart's racing, while fear courses thru my heart and veins. There's never a moment that I think of jumping out into the sky...of letting it all go. He has strapped me to him. He has a parachute and so do I. He's got my life literally in his hands and well, he knows it is okay if we jump. Gulp. I don't desire it. I can't do it. He says I can. I don't want to, thank you.
Instead, I would rather be strapped to my chair until I touch ground. It's safer on the ground. My feet can touch and I have some control. 

To make matters worse, I have to jump twice. Um, yeah. Twice!

What if's run through my head. I ache. I am torn. What if I am hearing it all wrong? What if the jumping leads to injury that's permanent? One that I feel for sure I can't recover from. At least that's how it feels right now.

My first jump involves my first born child. He's five. School is looming. Decisions, deadlines, meetings, paperwork and defining choices hang in the air. Every inch I move toward the inevitable makes me ache. Like pushing through deep snow with a layer of ice on top each step stings. I've entertained home schooling, half-day kindergarten and we are signed up for popular schools with lottery systems.  I am not sure what is best for my child. Not entirely anyway. Some of of this I can't control and this is good. No control means God is in complete control.
This is what I really want.
 For God to be in control. Complete control. Here's my recent conversation, "God, you can go ahead and do all the work. You can go ahead and make the decisions for me. I will just sit back and be the chicken, wimpy mommy I am. Okay? Great."
        I also realize that not being ready to send my child off into the world without my hovering, without my protection isn't wrong. In my opinion, it is great. It makes me a loving mom. Okay, yes, I know eventually I have to let him grow up and grow away from me, but how long can I hold that off cause I only think I am ready to jump.

MY SECOND JUMP? It has more consequences than the first. Really!
It involves letting go of relationships where the two involved don't respect me. Where their selfishness gets in the way. They are volatile, unsafe and toxic. I mentioned in a post recently that I don't know why I hang on. This jump feels raw. It feels severe and yet, necessary. There is no point in keeping relationships with family or anyone where there is no reciprocating. Where investing only leads to more hurt, more agony. I haven't even spoken to one in over two years. 

I think I am ready to jump. I hold on tight as the wind of fear slaps me in all directions. God holds me close and whispers, "I know what is best for you and for your family. I hold a parachute of truth you can trust. Hold onto me, jump and I will catch you, always."

I close my eyes...

Your turn, is there some area of your life where you need to jump?

Happily linking up at Jen's Soli Deo Gloria


  1. Dionne,
    It takes faith to jump, to let go when we want to hold on. I can relate to that feeling of forcing yourself to be brave and let go...good job, brave girl.

  2. I can imagine your toes curled on the edge...almost there, almost in the air...
    Thinking about you as you step into the unknown, trusting in Him. I'm pretty sure He won't let you down. Well done you. He's so proud of you.

  3. Toxic relationships can be so hard-you know you need to leave, but there always seems to be something that holds us in place. Good for you that you are making the leap! I love seeing God as our parachute. That certainly adds a great deal of comfort when it comes time to make those scary leaps.

  4. Aw...the jumping. So frightening yet I've found when I finally make the jump, good things happen. I'm ready to jump into a new genre of writing. Yikes...the fear of the unknown. Glad you wrote this and blessed that God led me hear to read it. Happy Valentine's Day!

  5. Oh FRIEND!!!! My heart aches as I've had to jump these two before. I am praying. As far as your son....I will especially hold you up in prayer regarding your son. He is only 5 if you decided to keep him home one more year it wouldn't hurt anything. I know these are both hard decisions. Love you my friend!


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