How to Fight the Pillar of Salt Phenomenon

There's that moment when it comes into my mind's eye...a fleeting memory of regret or sadness at what was lost. I used to reside there for hours without realizing how distracting and crippling this choice was or how it made excuses for me so I could play the victim.
I used to really LIVE in the past and it stole so much from the present. So much.

Around the time I attended college, I became aware of my choice and began to seek God's help...help to move on, desiring for Him to empower me, to heal me from the past, but also to help me forgive myself as well as others.

S-L-O-W-L-Y, I began to release all of the past I had been gripping so hard that my fingers bled, but I was determined to gain victory.

Then, I recently read in the Bible about Lot's wife and how her loyalty seemed divided between the town, Sodom (that God was about to destroy) and the mercy God was giving her family and her by sparing them from this destruction. 

See, she looked back. 

And the cost was her life.

 She became a pillar of salt.

I have been there.  I have looked backed...guilty of what if 's and only if I's. Like Lot's wife, disobedient, content in the familiar and stuck like a salt statue. I call this the Pillar of Salt phenomenon. When my comfort zone is more important than obeying. When I ride the past like a merry-go-round. 

We can fight this. It isn't easy, ya'll! I still have to shoo at the pillar pest and play tug-of-war with my mind and heart.  Christ's death and resurrection was real, is real and we need to start living life based on who we follow (Jesus) and what we believe.  

So, how? No, I am not saying that our past is bad, or not important or that God never uses it for His glory. We need to say no to letting our past choke us.

It ain't simple.  

Some of you really understand that truth. 

Christ's showed us that our past mistakes, broken relationships, etc. ended with His death. Let's walk in freedom one day at a time together!  

You are not alone. PLEASE write in the comments if you would like for me to pray for you and or want to talk more on this. Or go to "contact me" and shoot me an email.

*The inspiration for this post came from the book,Women of the Bible, a one-year devotional study of women in scripture by Ann Spangler and Jean E.Syswerda.

Linking up today at Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood 

When someone needs to stand in the gap on behalf of and you are willing.

There's someone I know who is in deep trouble. 

Someone who needs help, but isn't asking. Like a large hole in an airplane where the pressure is pulling everything and everyone with it...is the kind of trouble where someone needs to stand in the gap on behalf of and I am willing.

As a matter of fact, I am more than willing. I strongly desire to see this person changed so much so that it has cost me emotional pain, but I won't give up. It is worth it because trusting and living in relationship with God is worth it...to see God move...to see this someone's anger and pride lessened with joy and humility instead ignites determination down to my core.

As Moses interceded for the Israelites when they sinned greatly against the Lord (Exodus 32:30-32 NIV), I intercede daily for this person. Mostly, I pray for a changed heart. I am not Jesus, the one who atoned our sins...I cannot save this person from their trouble. 

I can only beg God to give this individual an undivided heart and put a spirit in him; remove the heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh-Ezekiel 11:19 NIV

   image borrowed from http://www.jacksmithprophecy.org

Floss expires, hope doesn't, and Christmas

Standing above my bathroom sink, I attempt ridding my face of the last bit of make-up. Ya know, the mascara that isn't waterproof, but still taunts you with its never-ending streaks of black? I'm not exaggerating, really.
     I begin my not so routine of brushing the yucky of today off my teeth. In the middle of brushing, I just happen to glance over at the floss and read, expires (see below). Wait a minute. Seriously?

I get how milk, meat, veggies, even medicine loses its effectiveness after awhile, but floss?
Someone please explain how floss expires? It's just flat rope that dislodges food and plaque.
What could go bad? Okay, some floss are mint or cinnamon flavored? Do those spices spoil therefore creating an oxymoron here?
   
I think of Wile Coyote and the Road Runner and a frayed rope, unraveling to one tiny string. I laugh as I picture Wile Coyote using it to get to his desired prey when the Road Runner happens to have a pair of scissors and cuts the rope sending the Coyote to his "cartoon" demise.

And I think of the unraveling of the world due to sin and how Satan pulls out his handy scissors to snip hope from others. How different Christmas will be for the families facing such grief in Connecticut. I recoil when I think of sending my child to public school and online schooling is suddenly more attractive.

How the belief meter dwindled quickly for some when they asked,"How can you believe in a God that allowed those innocent children to die? Such a senseless act."  I understand their question, but it hurts to not have an answer. I feel a coldness and it isn't the winter air and my heart aches with compassion. And my prayers sometimes seem feeble, but I still pray because...

Floss may expire, but hope doesn't. God doesn't even if we don't understand what he allows. He gave us all a freedom to choose and we mock that freedom when it causes us pain.
Please don't unfriend (or hate) me for saying that...I've been there. I've mocked it too.

And this is where I will leave this heavy topic alone now.

#

One tradition we have created since our sons were born almost 5 years ago, is to get a new ornament for them, or make one. I usually buy a very inexpensive one for hubby and I, but I just love the idea of having ornaments for my sons and giving it to them on their wedding day. Here are some pictures:

White Glue snowman. Easy and fun.

Your turn.Share a your Christmas traditions with me.

Sharing my heart today with the Soli sisterhood @http://findingheaventoday.blogspot.com/

Being super honest today

Today is a hard post because of how honest I am about to be. 
    Hubby has to ride his bike today in 19 degree weather and I feel sorry for him. Our Jeep's radiator is cracked and the water pump is out and this will cost us almost a thousand dollars to fix. Money we have, but money we really need-at least from our perspective. And I went on a hike last Saturday and somehow lost my driver's license. Then, there are the emotional issues and relationship struggles and terrible reactions. It was ugly last week and this week thus far. 
   Comical too. So I will be illegally driving to pick up said hubby this afternoon so he can drop me off at the local DMV and get our four year old to the dentist and hopefully pick-up the cash gouger that should be ready. Ugh! Life, huh?

So I wince and shift uncomfortably to admit that my deep seated feelings/actions toward this past week were less than ideal. I was fearful, prideful, critical, and dare say it, fleshly (oooooh).

I thought I was over faithless reactions.

Ya know the kind where you get all fearful, say stupid things, believe lies or come up with your own action plan? Striving instead of trusting God in other words.

  For a moment, I am like, um...did I seriously just do that? Hello? Where did the faithful me go?

I am so tired of the old me showing up when it feels like it.  

I wish I was scratch-art where I could use a wooden stick and scrape off the "blackness" and reveal  gold and it would stay and the flesh wouldn't mucky it up. But that job belongs to our Lord Jesus. 

THEN, the new me and the faith does come (after I smashed our decaying Jack O'Lantern with a baseball bat. Ahem, call it cheap therapy).

I read my devotional this morning. Read God's word. At first, I feel convicted, but not better.

Genesis 15:1, 17:1, 18:14 and 22:14 about whack my eyeballs and certainly pierce my heart.

    "Do not be afraid , Abram[Dionne], for I will protect you, and your reward will be great...I am El Shaddai-'God Almighty.' Serve me faithfully and live a blameless life...Is anything too hard for the Lord?...Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means "the Lord will provide").

The Lord will provide.

My 80's childhood returns saying, "Oooh, burn." I chuckle, feel bad, but quickly realize the truth, the freedom springing forth from God's words spoken so clearly to me.

And despite my tail between my legs or the miniscule pity party...there is hope! And I want to memorize the above to fend off the humanness. But, God isn't asking me to be less human. He is asking me to trust Him when he is testing my family and me. To trust me with Him. The Lord will provide.

Your turn to be honest. Share your heart, I will treat it with care.

Gladly linking up today with:

31 Days to Grace (Day 22): 5 behaviors that need grace.

Sometimes I don't feel like giving grace. Yes, I am going there. The other side of grace. The one from human to human. The grace that is hard to give when we are injured, disappointed, frustrated, etc. And sometimes when this happens, I need to work on being "assertive" or  "polite and powerful." Sometimes I just need to let it go and give grace. Even if the person doing it does it over and over.

Warning: You might feel guilty as I have for exhibiting any of the behaviors listed below. No judging. We all have behaviors to work on.
 
Here are the five behaviors I need to give the most grace to (especially if I wimp out and don't address the behavior):

1. The turn the head syndrome: I am in the middle of a sentence (for which one seemed interested in what I was saying and even asked a question about it) and then they turn their head to see or hear something more interesting or at least their eyes divert elsewhere. This action conveys to me that what I have to say is boring or uninteresting. Lovely.

2. I am discussing a subject for which I have expertise in and the other person acts like what I said isn't valid or asks another person (who is not an expert) to corroborate my statements.

3. Snide remarks. Just say what ya really mean. -Enough said.

4. When someone says something stupid or insensitive, but you know their heart was in the right place or they were just trying to help. 

5. My ultra favorite: Someone thinking they've got me pegged even though they really don't know me. Or believing they understand who I am based on a few experiences we had together.

Oh, in these moments I need God's grace to shower me so I can pour it forth to others in these difficult situations. I do find myself more often than not, keeping my mouth shut, but that isn't necessarily me showing grace. 

I have to admit I just don't have the answer here. There are times when we must kindly tell someone that their behavior hurt us and when we must give grace and forgiveness and move on.

Tell me your answer?  

Beyond me...

Writing for five minutes on the word: Beyond  (join us at lisajobaker.com)

Beyond the noise of this world my head still reminds me and my heart hurts. I am still grieving. I don't share it much because everyone else finds comfort that I don't cry or speak about it really, but it gnaws on me daily. I miss them. All of them. I miss that place I was planning to call home. I miss my mommy and wish sometimes I could just lay my head on her lap and cry.

Beyond the lies I tell myself or that are hurled at me...beyond the attacks I am entering a new purpose or season or some other overkill phrase to a purpose I absolutely cannot do without the Lord. I am excited and fearful. I know the bible verses. I know the Lord, but I can't shake the belief that I am never going to really reach my potential in Christ. (I know, a total lie, I know!)

I keep talking out into the air...while I walk the neighbors must think I am nuts. But I have to talk to Him and speak honestly and boldly...LOUDLY say,

                                 "Lord, help me because this is more than beyond me."

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

She lied to me again. 

Whispered deceitfully in my ear, "You don't deserve to do anything great and you might as well quit now save embarrassment. Who do you think you are anyway?"

And for most of my life I have listened to HER: my own voice deny me this truth: You are deeply significant because God created you.

  Then God leads me to this book where the quote above came from: 

Designing a Woman's Life by Judith Couchman. And I know He is speaking to me in a way I understand. He knows I will read this and I will listen and it will dislodge another thorn from my lying flesh. He knows that Judith's purpose fulfilled in her will influence and inspire me to want to fulfill mine.

My curious-loves-to-learn-and-read self isn't going to ignore the summary on the back of the book. It draws me in and it is meant to...at least at this point in my life.

So I begin to learn again that I am worthy. It helps me to revisit my talents and my gifts. To remember how they were used and how aspects of dreams happened. I understand that God can provide many visions, but they all stem from my one purpose (who I am or perhaps why God made me). 

 Yet, I have allowed fear of success AND fear of failure rule.

 The flesh fights what it really wants: worth. 

I wince, no, nervously laugh at the contradiction.

On one hand, I fear failure with its' cliches of looking like a fool, breaking a promise, or multitudes of rejection proving me a loser.

Then, there's the fear of success and I almost can't write about this, but if I don't then I only exacerbate my affliction.

Fearing success? Yep. Seriously how can one be afraid of success? Who does this? Oh, me...right. Are we not supposed to be overjoyed when things go well? 

I actually believe that achieving a dream or getting something I desire is a truly bad thing. I don't deserve it. I worry that the success will go to my head. I know this isn't entirely correct. God will get the glory.  

And as I type this...He speaks this to my heart:

...To obey is better than sacrifice. 1 Samuel 15:22 NIV

Yes, to obey is to ignore my low self-esteem (a form of pride). To obey is to abandon my human misunderstandings and doubt.

Today I am choosing to believe. Believe Him when he says, I have plans for you...a future. Jeremiah 29:11NIV

I am going to find my purpose and I smile.  

A gentle breeze

Yesterday, I really wanted to hear God. I feel like lately the harder I try, the more I fail at it. Like my human effort is null and void.

Why is God silent with us sometimes? Or is he?

Yesterday, I took a walk to get the mail. It was a surprisingly warm, breezy day for February. I was taking advantage for some fresh air and to get out of the house (other than for business or errands).

I was conversing to God. NO, crying out. Okay, there was some why's and groaning. But, In Exodus 15:20-27, Moses cried out when the Israelites complained because the water they found after 3 days in the wilderness was bitter and everyone was thirsty. God delivered. 

Like when my two year old cries from his toddler bed, "daaaadee" because he has lost his binkies. And, dad delivers.

A storm was brewing from the the West and so the temperature dropped, the sun hidden by looming clouds, and as I approached the house I just stayed in the garage and wept. 

A gentle breeze touched my cheek and pushed my hair out of my face. 

I just listened. I enjoyed the silence.

I didn't hear God's audible voice, but somehow I felt His presence. 

And that was enough.

Last night during a bible study with hubby, we learned a name for God I haven't heard of, Yahweh Rophe (yah-WEH ro-FEH) or the Lord Who Heals.

We could use some of His healing in our household right now. Not just physical either. I believe I experienced that yesterday. A bit of healing as I wept to Him in the silent storm that was brewing.

Yahweh Rophe, thank you.

El Roi (El-raw-EE)

When I first met my husband, I joked-no warned, "I have a curse you know. A black cloud that seems to follow me around." I don't think he took me seriously then because he still decided to marry me!

But, if you know me, it is true. If anything can go wrong and you are near me...it will. I am not kidding.

It is not that my life has no blessings or good things of it. There's just inevitably some disaster or rocks in the path circumstance waiting to reveal itself. Always!

Connected

I have a bunch of disconnected fruit in my fridge. They were all picked off their bush or tree where they once enjoyed the company of similar fruit friends.

As I relish in their sweetness, mouthful after mouthful, I don't feel guilty that they will no longer exist after my family and I have devoured them. Thank goodness fruit doesn't have feelings!

But...I do.
I am fully stocked with feelings, thoughts, ideas, well you get the picture.

I need to be connected...daily. I am not numb when plucked away from others (even if by choices for jobs, etc.).

I have many long distant relationships now and it amazes me at how hard it is to stay connected to those whom I hold dear.

Anyone else wish they had their own jet plane?

I miss my best friend. I miss my brother. I miss my friends in Ft. Collins. I try to write, text, email, call, and do Facebook, but it just isn't the same as seeing them regularly face to face.

ONE week without communication with them makes me feel more distant from them. It is like leading a double life where I am one way when they are in it and another when they are not.

I possess another relationship which needs consistent contact and that changes me whether I am in it or not:

My relationship with God.

If I spend even a few days without Him, I encounter a lack of peace, emptiness, and that gnawing sense that something is missing. I am grumpier, more impatient, more insecure, even hopeless at times.

I just don't function correctly without staying connected to the ONLY source that brings me true satisfaction...sustaining, lasting peace.

John 15:7 (NLT) says, "Remain in me and I will remain in you..." and John 14:27 (NLT) says,"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives..."

The more I know Him, the more I feel amalgamated to Him. I experience His peace more often.

I am just restless by nature. My heart won't sit still.
I yearn for others to know how important they are to me.
BUT...Our busy lives get in the way!

Thank goodness the Lord is always available. I don't have to work around His schedule. Too bad He gets misplaced by mine.

So to those present relationships (and you know who you are), I miss you. My heart aches when I haven't been around you, talked with you or shared my life with you.

New Post for the New Year...Reflections, Fortitudes, and Resolutions???

A family tradition: Black-eyed Peas for good luck.

Hmmm, what to write for a New post in a New Year?
Well, of course one might expect me to write about my New Year's resolution. Obviously New Year's resolutions set us up for disappointment. We should set healthy goals all year round.

So what will be my rambling (in royal purple text...oooh) subject for today? Read more...

And then there was throw-up...or hope.

On Monday night, my poor three year old was bawling. Sweet hubby ran upstairs while I barely stirred. In my defense, I was exhausted and not feeling so great. As my husband opened the door, he found that Schafer had thrown-up all over the bed. After one more bout, he stopped for the night. I was so sad for him, but will selfishly admit that I was not looking forward to this clean-up, nursing job in the morning.
That morning, I came to his bedroom as he had er, um, let it out the other end all over the bed. I about gagged and I had to say, "Lord, I don't think I can do this." Immediately, I managed to handle it just fine. I was compassionate and made sure he knew that what happened is just a part of life. He never threw up or anything after that and enjoyed a day of pajamas and cartoon videos. LUCKY HIM!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE SAID THAT? "Lord, I don't think I can do this."

Like when my Mother died, or during both of my labors, when Grant went into the hospital at three weeks old for a horrible case of RSV (nasty little virus) and he could barely breathe. I could barely breathe.
When I lost four people in one year , 2006 and when I realized I would be motherless while becoming a mother. "Lord, I don't think I can do this."

Moving to Grand Junction and the fact that God actually trusted ME to stay at home for this year and watch my two boys! "Lord, I don't think I can do this."

You know what? I CAN'T. That's right. I really cannot do all the hard tasks, trials, errands, and demands that life puts on me.

2 Corinthians 12 Speaks of Paul's thorn (there are many theories as to what this thorn represents)and how he asked the Lord to take it away. But verses 9-10 speak specifically about how the Lord did not take it away because His power is made perfect in weakness. Cleaning up gross things...well, I am weak. It also says, that Paul accepted the Lord's authority, and the hard things because Paul realized that when we are at our weakest we are stronger in God.

We don't have to be able to do it or be strong. We just have to trust Christ through it...that the strength, the ability, the needed change will be there from the Lord Jesus himself. In our weakness, we rely less on ourselves and more on His strength, help and hope.

Oh, and did I mention that my almost two year old played with his poop in the crib?

May the Lord's power be greater in our weaknesses.

All I really have...

I can do many things. I can do some things well, but not GREAT. For example, I can cook, run, and throw a ball, but I am NO chef, Olympic runner, or Payton Manning. I know how to draw, but I have rarely sold anything I have created. I am on the thin side, but I will never be a model. WELL, YOU get my point.
BUT, I don't have to be any of those things to be worthy. All I have, all I need I find in the Lord.
I believe this, but it isn't always how I act. Sometimes I think I need all those titles, material things, etc. to matter, but I don't need them. I DO matter. I matter to Christ. I was made, created, I exist because I am supposed to...I have a place in this world. Even all that is sometimes hard to believe let alone act like it is true. However, the Lord says in His word,"Bring all who claim me as their God, for I have made them for my glory. It is I who created them." SWEET...I WAS MADE for HIS glory!! Oh, how thankful I am for that truth.
So...I can love too, but have I loved others, have I loved Christ deeply? Have I loved the best that I can with my human heart and hands? Oh, I hope so!
Isaiah 10:12-13 tells me what gives me worth; what my true purpose is first. "...He requires only that you fear the Lord your God, and live in a way that pleases Him, love Him, serve Him with all your heart and soul. You must always obey the Lord's commands and decrees..."
I am to love God with all of me first! Then, I bet I can love my self and others better.
All I really have, really need is God, my Lord, my Redeemer, My Savior!