My Last Post...in 2014

Yep, the last day of 2014. I figured I should say something...but what?

This has been a year of physical trials. Especially for some of my family...food issues, body issues, physical findings while examining a different physical dilemma and an impending diagnosis. Hard, hard and more hard. At some point this shall pass, we know God is faithful and trustworthy and we are depending on him for rest, help, answers and strength. We will have some sort of victory. I can feel it and I believe it. And despite the diagnosis, we will love and support the ones who need it.

Also I should say, I am in love with my children, I feel adored by my husband, I am more than grateful for getting to home school my boys and be at home with them.
I still have the blessings of best friends and wonderful in-laws. 
My sister and I got to see each other after 5 years of not being face to face.

I will be going into 2015 a bit changed. So good not to be stagnant in my walk with the Lord or who I am becoming...

Goodbye 2014. 

(A few beautiful things from this year)

Please don't copy photos without permission

I made this ornament for my tree this year.

Playing with my food.

A birthday request I couldn't resist so I piped Hulk and Darth Maul...interesting combo, I know.

When 1 Thessalonians 5:18 resonates...

We all know it's that time of year where Turkeys have no idea their fate and families cook gobs of food and regret the leftovers. However, I am NOT going to write another T-day blog post or tell you the thousandth thing I am thankful for...besides that would be way too obvious and easy.

I have a rebellious streak anyways.

Right now, I am suspended between feeling grateful and feeling grumpy to the point that writing about this is the safest way to deal with this dangling dilemma. And I need to face it.

Here's the story:
    Over the past 3 years, I have grown in my gratitude, become more mindful of when I am taking something or someone for granted and making sure I check my heart for sincerity here. I don't want to live with ingratitude for what God did and has done for me and not be thankful for the generosity of Him and other people. I want to be a woman who understands/acknowledges the blessings, grace and goodness she has received and to cherish those.

This would be easier if I weren't human and could be content in all situations...

So guess what happens to sneak itself into my life recently?

 1Thessalonians 5:18. 

"Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you."

I'll admit that the first time I read this (a few plus years back) that I stumbled,
but I am not desiring to take this verse out of context. I don't believe that God is asking us to be thankful for bad things...like being in the middle of a stomach bug or miscarriage or some horrific news and to be honest, I don't think I have 100% sincerely given thanks in these past circumstances: A suicide, my mom's sudden death, and some abuse.  

I see this verse as personal to each individual. Gratefulness just can't be bought or forced. We have to get there through God working in our hearts in the situations that are his "will for" us.

Am I alone though in wanting a break from the molding, the shaping...the metamorphosis of thy heart?

See, two in my family are waiting for a diagnosis.  Probably not life threatening as long as they have the right type, but nonetheless a syndrome that has affected and will affect their lives.

One half of my heart is grateful because a diagnosis is an answer! It reveals, clarifies, and explains so much. Unfortunately, depending on the diagnosis, it could be downright scary and well, waiting is part of the game and I ain't so grateful for that...waiting is stressful. Yet, in the waiting, we continue to grow in the patience arena. However, this syndrome is a change in our family with limitations, proneness to not so fun stuff and well it will be our fifth major transition since we moved to Grand Junction 3 years ago! Ugh, transitions are just plain tough.

Do you see my conundrum? My heart swings back and forth from thank you and no thank you.
Well, I never said I wasn't a work in progress!

When all of this comes to light, I do believe we will see healing, I have faith we will make it through.

In the meantime, would you pray for our family?  

Happily linking up here:

How to Fight the Pillar of Salt Phenomenon

There's that moment when it comes into my mind's eye...a fleeting memory of regret or sadness at what was lost. I used to reside there for hours without realizing how distracting and crippling this choice was or how it made excuses for me so I could play the victim.
I used to really LIVE in the past and it stole so much from the present. So much.

Around the time I attended college, I became aware of my choice and began to seek God's help...help to move on, desiring for Him to empower me, to heal me from the past, but also to help me forgive myself as well as others.

S-L-O-W-L-Y, I began to release all of the past I had been gripping so hard that my fingers bled, but I was determined to gain victory.

Then, I recently read in the Bible about Lot's wife and how her loyalty seemed divided between the town, Sodom (that God was about to destroy) and the mercy God was giving her family and her by sparing them from this destruction. 

See, she looked back. 

And the cost was her life.

 She became a pillar of salt.

I have been there.  I have looked backed...guilty of what if 's and only if I's. Like Lot's wife, disobedient, content in the familiar and stuck like a salt statue. I call this the Pillar of Salt phenomenon. When my comfort zone is more important than obeying. When I ride the past like a merry-go-round. 

We can fight this. It isn't easy, ya'll! I still have to shoo at the pillar pest and play tug-of-war with my mind and heart.  Christ's death and resurrection was real, is real and we need to start living life based on who we follow (Jesus) and what we believe.  

So, how? No, I am not saying that our past is bad, or not important or that God never uses it for His glory. We need to say no to letting our past choke us.

It ain't simple.  

Some of you really understand that truth. 

Christ's showed us that our past mistakes, broken relationships, etc. ended with His death. Let's walk in freedom one day at a time together!  

You are not alone. PLEASE write in the comments if you would like for me to pray for you and or want to talk more on this. Or go to "contact me" and shoot me an email.

*The inspiration for this post came from the book,Women of the Bible, a one-year devotional study of women in scripture by Ann Spangler and Jean E.Syswerda.

Linking up today at Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood 

WANTED: 50 and older because you ARE that important...

If you are 50 and older, I have to tell you how important you are to me...to the world. To those of us currently without our grandparents or mothers (me) or we have a very strained relationship with our dad (me, again).

Perhaps, you don't desire to be a mother, grandparent, etc. to non-family around you, but before you hang up your hat on that, let me tell you how valuable you really are (not including how God sees you which you gotta ask him about that).

There are those of us that need, no-crave your wisdom, insight, affection, heck, even your attention. You possess a stability. Deep down, we know you didn't live the first 50 years without trials! Your strength from having made it through needs to be told. We need those stories of triumph and heartache to inspire and encourage us to keep going.

Most of you are parents and although we don't likely desire unsolicited advice on parenting, we still need your support, we desperately seek your understanding and yes, your free babysitting availability!

Some of us really love that you make getting older seem charming and less scary. When I look at how you handle gray hairs, a few extra pounds or pesky wrinkles-an awe escapes my lips and I breathe a bit easier. Getting old is not the end of life...

I've heard on more than one occasion from you, 

"I loved turning 50. I felt like my life was truly beginning."

I don't know what that means so I need you to explain it. And if your life is truly beginning-does that mean you stop being engaged or involved with youth? With young adults or a 39 year old like me?

Please tell me the answer is no! We need you! We need you...to listen without judgement. To not talk down to us because we aren't where you are at and please don't dismiss us! Okay, some don't show you the respect you so deserve, but don't give up on us. We need your love.

Let me tell you how you impact the world with examples from my experiences...

1. She isn't my grandmother, but my Mamaw was her best friend. She is 80 something, her health is declining and yet, she still  traveled out of state to come meet my children! The gesture alone...as I type this, tears are hanging in my eyes. (Love. Sacrifice).

2. She sees me differently than I thought. She has taught for 25+ years. An amazing, wise, now retired teacher. She told me, "You taught me so much." Huh? How could I teach her? She showed me ways to improve my teaching...surely not the other way around? (Encouragement. Humility).

3. They treated me like their grandchild. They paid for my college bill so I could get a Masters in Education. THEY loved me and even when they had cancer...they asked about me! She stroked my head and hand despite suffering. In pain, she wasn't just thinking about herself.

(Love, truly selfless love. Mercy. Generosity).

4. When my mother died, they swooped in with hugs, open ears and they came to her funeral. They barely knew her. They let me cry even if it made them uncomfortable. They have prayed over me and for me. She has spoken scripture to me more than once. They are there for birthdays and just because moments too. They are amazing in-laws and wonderful grandparents to my children.

 (Hope, kindness, love, compassion, inspiration. Examples of godliness).

5. She is my best friend's mom, but she treats me like I am one of hers. She writes me letters. She tells me I am a good mom. She makes me laugh and she has seen me grow from an awkward middle- schooler to a woman. She loves me. (Acceptance, forgiveness, love and understanding).

6. My home wasn't always safe. Her home was. She offered it. She didn't ask for details or something in return...she just opened her door and heart. (Safety. Comfort. Refuge.).

 Did you catch how prevalent love was in my experiences? 

It is hard to put into words how much these people's actions both verbal or not have meant to me.

If you are 50 and older and reading this-get and stay involved. Know that what you are doing matters. Please serve. Whether that means doing something like vacation Bible school, or Sunday school, watching our kids for a day or more, caring for kids at MOPS, offering your home as a place of safety and refuge for those whose homes aren't safe and or simply just listening.

We need you...really we do! 

And...thank you!

Sharing this post over at Jen's wonderful blog,  Soli De Gloria

31 Days to Grace (Day 24): When you let go

There is a peace and even empowerment when you hand over all that plagues, bombards, concerns or hurts. Yet, there is grace still when you clutch what seems hardest to relinquish.
Our gracious Lord won't nag or plead, pinch or tickle or pry it roughly from your hands. He will simply say, "I know what is best for you. Trust me with it. I will give you the best."  

 And He does.

And He did.

And He has.

 And He will.

He did at the cross with his only son. We got the best. Jesus received our worst. 

When the Israelite people messed up again and again, wandered in the desert for 40 years, God was just, but he still promised them the Promise Land. He gave them the best land. (GRACE).

In my own life, I have a roof over my head, food (at least 3 times a day), a loving husband, my health, two, sweet little boys, cars that run and freedom. Really, don't I have portions of God's best?

When I have let go and trusted God it didn't mean I always got what I desired or that the outcome was how I thought it would go...in the handing over of control, my experience has been one of desiring God's ways and plans. And I joyfully accept! 

It is rarely easy, but always worth it!

Share your "letting go" with me. I would love to hear some of your story...

 (thank you MAA for your story).