Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

She lied to me again. 

Whispered deceitfully in my ear, "You don't deserve to do anything great and you might as well quit now save embarrassment. Who do you think you are anyway?"

And for most of my life I have listened to HER: my own voice deny me this truth: You are deeply significant because God created you.

  Then God leads me to this book where the quote above came from: 
Designing a Woman's Life by Judith Couchman. And I know He is speaking to me in a way I understand. He knows I will read this and I will listen and it will dislodge another thorn from my lying flesh. He knows that Judith's purpose fulfilled in her will influence and inspire me to want to fulfill mine.

My curious-loves-to-learn-and-read self isn't going to ignore the summary on the back of the book. It draws me in and it is meant to...at least at this point in my life.
So I begin to learn again that I am worthy. It helps me to revisit my talents and my gifts. To remember how they were used and how aspects of dreams happened. I understand that God can provide many visions, but they all stem from my one purpose (who I am or perhaps why God made me). 
 Yet, I have allowed fear of success AND fear of failure rule.
 The flesh fights what it really wants: worth. 

I wince, no, nervously laugh at the contradiction.

On one hand, I fear failure with its' cliches of looking like a fool, breaking a promise, or multitudes of rejection proving me a loser.

Then, there's the fear of success and I almost can't write about this, but if I don't then I only exacerbate my affliction.
Fearing success? Yep. Seriously how can one be afraid of success? Who does this? Oh, me...right. Are we not supposed to be overjoyed when things go well? 

I actually believe that achieving a dream or getting something I desire is a truly bad thing. I don't deserve it. I worry that the success will go to my head. I know this isn't entirely correct. God will get the glory.  
And as I type this...He speaks this to my heart:
...To obey is better than sacrifice. 1 Samuel 15:22 NIV

Yes, to obey is to ignore my low self-esteem (a form of pride). To obey is to abandon my human misunderstandings and doubt.

Today I am choosing to believe. Believe Him when he says, I have plans for you...a future. Jeremiah 29:11NIV

I am going to find my purpose and I smile.  


  1. loveliness! These internal battles are so debilitating and hidden away and yet we all have our self-esteem issues and self-doubts. thank you for bringing to the surface (gently but firmly) our need to believe what God says is true about us.

  2. I have to learn lesson again and again ... as well.

  3. i think it's a lesson a lot of us struggle to learn and then actually live out. we all need the reminder every once in awhile

  4. Yes! What Morgan said. You put my most confused and contradictory thoughts into words. Thank you; this really helps me.
    God made us enough for what He wants us to do, and faithfulness = success.

  5. Your a girl after my own heart, we feel and hear the same lies. I'm combating them too..daily. I know the verses and have read some great books, it's getting the knowledge from my head to my heart and believing it daily.

  6. Oh, yes. That nasty voice that we spend way too much time quieting! I love that verse and cling to its truth very often.


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