I am a beautiful mess (Part two)

Today, I am feeling more beautiful than messy.
This is good, right?  I can't lie...my house and portions of my life to a degree are a mess. I seriously need to get floor cleaner and mop. At least I vacuumed, but I swear that the laundry and groceries have it out for me. I. Can. Never. Seem. To. Catch up!

BUT...I had a great morning with the Lord...he is the author of my beauty. And I am grateful.

I also have been trying to figure out how to embrace the story of who I am-past, present, future. How I am to share that this year with others and at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers).

I tend to think of beauty in outside terms and I believe most people do too. However, I don't want that to ever be my message. For the record, I am not talking about ditching sunscreen or lotion, or bathing (good hygiene and no skin cancer is a good thing), but if we are "ugly" on the inside than no amount of beauty or taking care of our outside selves will win us friends...and it will not shine Christ.

I came across a random article and reflection paper among some old MOPS materials and realized that embracing my story is embracing God's purpose for me, embracing how he sees me. I am not who I am randomly. Oh, how beautifully orchestrated we all are.
  Then, I realized that to do this I have to understand both the human and spiritual side of my story. I need to understand aspects of my personality, my natural tendencies, how I was raised, understanding my God given spiritual gift(s) and looking at specific experiences and circumstances mixed with what God was doing in that moment.

UM, this is not at all easy. Okay, I have been doing this for the

past 10 years as I have taken a plethora of tests, read books, deepened my 

relationship with God, etc., but it is painful and time-consuming. Yet

it is freeing and has been worth it. 

The most interesting discovery? My personality exists in only 3 percent of the population...this explains a lot for me. 

 So where does one start?

Go  Here to learn more about my personality type and Visit here 
to learn about your personality type. (I promise I am not endorsing or receiving any form of compensation for the links I am providing...this website and test, to me is the most specific and accurate of all the tests I have taken sans the spiritual gifts test).
 

Transitions and you are tired of the Borg...

This week is transition week in my home. No, summer is not over yet, but hubby's teacher duties resume. Kids come next week. I am alone with my boys again. This is fabulous and painful.
Painful because we miss hubby/daddy. Painful because even temporary transitions hurt. 
       We will get through it though. We will adjust, but hubs and I agreed that sometimes in life adjusting doesn't always mean it is what is best for you.

Hence, the Borg in my title.  
I have felt the tug of the world tempt me to assimilate, adjust...tell me, "resistance is futile"...but I have watched what assimilating is doing and it is damaging and I want no part of it.  
             At a park awhile back, I observed the Borg (half person/half machine)...people (organic) with their hand attached to a their phones (machine) instead of watching their child go down the slide with the biggest giggle. It is sad. I think we are headed to a place where phones will be inserted into us and we really will be the Borg!
            For a minute, I am going to throw a bit of a fit. When you are having a conversation with someone or eating at the dinner table-it is RUDE to check your text, or text! When you haven't seen someone for months, it is weird that you would pause in the middle of your activity to get on FB! Seriously? 

When did we decide that our phone was more important than people? 

Our phones don't really combat loneliness. It helps us connect easier, faster of course, but it never replaces the value of face to face relationships!

        I am NOT dissing technology because it is amazing and has a place in our lives. I have seen God use it for good, but here is where I choose to "unplug".

                         

I read paper books.

I don't have or want internet on my phone.

I don't have cable or a 150 channels.

I don't plan to Twitter-EVER because I doubt anyone cares that much about the little details of my life.

Lastly, I will never text, or choose my phone over you...I have even decreased my blogging in the

name of relationships over social media.

Where do you unplug or would like to unplug?

When we all need an umbrella

There are times in life when nothing is wrong or going wrong and yet anger or sadness or fill in the blank seeps into the head or heart. A uncontrollable-out of nowhere emotion or thought threaten, but we don't know why. Seriously, it might feel like insanity.
And then there are instances of real grief or trials or problems.

Either way...this is when we all need an umbrella; Something or someone to cover our humanness:

   

An umbrella to protect and never tire,

hope without despair,

courage instead of fear,

comfort and not answers,

sureness in spite of doubt,

encouragement and less criticism.

Moments when we just need someone to listen, understand and care. A two-way, unconditional relationship. If we close our eyes, if we forget who we've been and worry less about appearances, perhaps we won't miss what we long so deeply for: something, someone that satisfies and is everlasting.

     

I have ever only found that something is this someone: Jesus 

Rubberbands can only stretch so far...

I was the white girl on free and reduced lunch who ate peanut butter off a butter knife for a snack. I did my homework by candle light for a couple of days and didn't mind. My parents were divorced. My mother's paycheck barely paid (and sometimes didn't pay) the bills. I didn't even know I fell into the category of white trash girl.

I  just loved my mommy. Ya know blood runs thicker than water...I am blood and I still wanted to belong so bad in my family...to feel like my loyalty to them would pay off one day.

 It never really has.   

I survived being stretched then...even though I didn't even know what that meant...what it would mean later.

I have always been the person who felt like a polka dot among the stripes...out of sorts, out of place and not sure which upholstery would best manufacture a striped me. I have fought hard to create a version others would like and compromised...and it cost me a different kind of stretching. The kind that stings from consequence.

All the while struggling to accept God's whisper, "You are significant because I made you. You are my child. I have better for you. Listen to me, trust me."

Me: "I do God, but I feel I am about to snap or break off...ya know a rubber band can only be pulled so far."

His response in my life has not been to stop stretching me. All the pulling, tugging, rearranging has brought me closer to understanding Him...closer to Him, period.


Linking  up @

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

She lied to me again. 

Whispered deceitfully in my ear, "You don't deserve to do anything great and you might as well quit now save embarrassment. Who do you think you are anyway?"

And for most of my life I have listened to HER: my own voice deny me this truth: You are deeply significant because God created you.

  Then God leads me to this book where the quote above came from: 

Designing a Woman's Life by Judith Couchman. And I know He is speaking to me in a way I understand. He knows I will read this and I will listen and it will dislodge another thorn from my lying flesh. He knows that Judith's purpose fulfilled in her will influence and inspire me to want to fulfill mine.

My curious-loves-to-learn-and-read self isn't going to ignore the summary on the back of the book. It draws me in and it is meant to...at least at this point in my life.

So I begin to learn again that I am worthy. It helps me to revisit my talents and my gifts. To remember how they were used and how aspects of dreams happened. I understand that God can provide many visions, but they all stem from my one purpose (who I am or perhaps why God made me). 

 Yet, I have allowed fear of success AND fear of failure rule.

 The flesh fights what it really wants: worth. 

I wince, no, nervously laugh at the contradiction.

On one hand, I fear failure with its' cliches of looking like a fool, breaking a promise, or multitudes of rejection proving me a loser.

Then, there's the fear of success and I almost can't write about this, but if I don't then I only exacerbate my affliction.

Fearing success? Yep. Seriously how can one be afraid of success? Who does this? Oh, me...right. Are we not supposed to be overjoyed when things go well? 

I actually believe that achieving a dream or getting something I desire is a truly bad thing. I don't deserve it. I worry that the success will go to my head. I know this isn't entirely correct. God will get the glory.  

And as I type this...He speaks this to my heart:

...To obey is better than sacrifice. 1 Samuel 15:22 NIV

Yes, to obey is to ignore my low self-esteem (a form of pride). To obey is to abandon my human misunderstandings and doubt.

Today I am choosing to believe. Believe Him when he says, I have plans for you...a future. Jeremiah 29:11NIV

I am going to find my purpose and I smile.  

What's Safari got to do with Jeeps?

It happens every year. During Easter weekend, the population of Moab, roughly 5,000, seems to double in its' size to accommodate those willing to risk their Jeeps or other similar vehicles all in the name of experiencing a thrill.
It's called Jeep Safari. It's very popular and starts the whole week before.

So, with my in-laws, hubby and two boys in tow, we got up early enough to get to the trail before the procession of Jeeps appeared.

This year was my first time to experience this event even though I have been visiting in-laws in Moab for about 13 years. It truly is a sight to see. So here is my amateur video of one of the more difficult trails, Moab Rim  (rated at a 7) to off road in (the hardest trail is rated a "9" Pritchet Canyon trail):

The "M" word: Mind

Mind: A word of many meanings and phrases. 

You can think you are losing your mind. Sometimes you do. "Mind your own business." You can change your mind. "Do you mind?" "No, I don't mind."  "What's on your mind?" "Mind your manners." Sometimes our mind stutters (affectionately coined as a brain fart). Some of us are said to have more intelligent minds or sharper minds. Often, our minds betray us.

A somewhat invisible trunk of collected and stored thoughts, memories, emotions, perceptions, dreams, imagination, and knowledge. Visible in our behavior and words, but no person can read our mind.

I like to think our mind is never fully complete. Are we not always thinking, learning, reflecting, or remembering?  


If we are Christians, then our minds are like the sign above. With God working to rebuild us from the inside out. God wants to renew our minds, remodel our beliefs, change our attitudes, alter our fleshly thinking so we are more like Him.   

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good, pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2 NLT

I don't know about you, but my mind is resistant to the above and I find it annoying. I know God's plan is always better than my own. I know the benefits of believing God, listening to God, allowing a renewing of self, but self is persuasive. 

It is said, "Until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change, people will always remain the same." -Anonymous

 Reconstruction is painful, a process for which I rarely volunteer for. 

I am always squirming because it is uncomfortable. Just like the phrase above says, change is more painful.

                --But, it is necessary if I am to ever possess peace, hope, and truth. Needed so I can serve the Father properly. 

Being made righteous is how I love my family better, have healthier relationships, serve the Lord, and fulfill the purposes God has planned for me.  It isn't about being perfect. It's more like a second chance. 

Thank you Lord, that I don't have to stay the same. For the grace and "made new" that you offer.

New Post for the New Year...Reflections, Fortitudes, and Resolutions???

A family tradition: Black-eyed Peas for good luck.

Hmmm, what to write for a New post in a New Year?
Well, of course one might expect me to write about my New Year's resolution. Obviously New Year's resolutions set us up for disappointment. We should set healthy goals all year round.

So what will be my rambling (in royal purple text...oooh) subject for today? Read more...