Monday, December 19, 2011

A spoonful of courage to write this now

I love this time of year. Really, what's not to like?

Okay, not everyone has the perfect situation, family, or wealth to make this a "Pottery Barn" extravaganza. However, isn't it all in your head or heart?

I feel like this time of year brings out the worst and best of me.

I give more, I dwell in the past more, I cherish more, want more (greedy girl), and I have more gratitude for what I do possess.

Why am I like a good and evil twin all wrapped up? (sorry for the pun).

Is it the pressure of the holiday? Is it the expectations? The need to bake perfectly frosted cookies?
The fact that I know I am present wrapping challenged?
(I seriously cannot keep the paper tight and unwrinkled)

Although, I am sure some of those reasons affect my psyche in a harmful way...well, a lot of it is just plain silly...not worth getting all worked up about it.

This year is different. I actually faced a few pieces of the problems that have been causing me anxiety and bringing out some of my ugly side.

I am lonely. I need connections that don't happen in 4 months. I need patience. I have friends. They just don't live in the same town. I am also full of what if's and how comes?

It is my relationship with my father.

All of my life I have felt invisible when I am around my father. I can be in the same room as him and still feel like a ghost. It injures self-worth.

How does one person have so much power over me?

I am no perfect daughter. There's no such thing as a flawless father.

All I really want my dad to do is be interested in me. Like me. Notice how different I am now as a 30 something adult. I want him to be in love with his grandchildren.

I have forgiven him. I just want a relationship.
A child shouldn't have to beg for a relationship. Is our relationship that indispensable to him?

He is my only remaining parent on earth. I don't want to feel like an orphan.

I have tried everything. Kindness, space, forgiveness, amends, respect, pictures, cards, phone calls. All in vain. I have OFFICIALLY moved to the label of a stalker.

God says to honor thy mother and father. Is it more honoring to leave him be?

Should I quit? Give up? Let it go?

I haven't made my decision yet. I should probably ask a counselor their thoughts...?


  1. So hard. I really haven't experienced anything as painful as the distant and challenging relationship I have with my dad. Disappointments, grief, confusion and resignation ... all wrapped up. And worse during the holidays. I'm sorry.
    Maybe we should get together in the near future and visit ... and I can tell you what I know about blogging, too. It's not much, though ... so we'll need a backup discussion! :) P.S. ... love the new look of your blog. :)

  2. Dionne,
    I absolutely love reading your blog~ You deeply encourage me.
    I think the Lord has given you a wonderful gift in helping you identify what it is, that is at the heart ....of your heart:) If He has revealed it, He will also give you the healing needed...whether your Dad ever changes or not.
    Be encouraged, and may the Lord grant you a beautiful Christmas! Love you, sister.


  3. Michelle,
    Thank you SO much for your encouragement. You are right, He did reveal it and yes, I need His healing more than ever. I so appreciate your kind words.

  4. These are hard questions. I have similar feelings about my mom - although she is very much present in my life, we've never had the "cuddly" kind of relationship others seem to have with their mothers. I agree, just talking about it is helpful.

  5. You are a good writer, Dionne!!
    Nicole Sherwood :)


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