Parent Land: (Noun) 1.When Someone whom is a parent gets caught up in thinking that their young children daily plot new ways to offend them. 2. Someone caught up in perpetual parent guilt. 3. A place where parents meet to hopefully find camaraderie and to show battle scars.
This is where I am at. Trapped in reruns. I often don't enjoy reruns of some shows. And honestly, who in the world wants to watch mine? Not I, thank you very much.
I seriously find my self offended by and sensitive with my children. Daily I am experiencing a feeling that they really don't like me, enjoy dissing and not listening to me. In one word: I feel disrespected by my children. They are only 2 and 4. Really?
DON'T you dare say it to impose some self-righteousness, "Welcome to parenting."
Instead, I am writing this to share my struggle. To voice out what I am feeling in hopes to understand and (see #3 in the definition of Parent Land).
I have always been labeled a sensitive person. I like to call myself compassionate and conscientious if you don't mind. So I possess a very uncanny sense of the motivation of others, but this is usually better executed with older children and adults. This can be a curse as I find myself questioning people more than I probably ever should. I do this with my children. Yes, sometimes it bores itself out of my insecurities. Out of my need for approval.
But, what if I am wrong? I am wrong at times. What if my children are just well, being children? Here comes the parent guilt! See, I am feeling like my children and I are butting heads more than I want. That I fail more at parenting then succeed. I am afraid they will grow up carrying my baggage or have the issues I still face as an adult.
I want to protect them.
Protect them from me...from my sins. I want them to see this woman after God's own heart and not think, hypocrite.
To understand and clearly see my faith, my love for the Lord...how much I CANNOT and REFUSE to do life without the Lord. He is my hero...my Savior.
YET...I will never do it perfectly. What if I have already crossed the line? What if the yelling, impatience or harshness has already ruined things? What if the hugs, kisses, pats on the back, loving discipline, saying, "I am sorry for..." and open heart and arms is not enough?
God steps in and tells my heart, "I've got this, so hand it over."
I am reminded, "...The world and all its people belong to Him." Psalm 24:1
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