Happy New Year! and what I learned/will miss from 2012

It is a new year, 2013 and already I want to climb back into 2012. To hang onto my children. Let me just say that I miss them. I mean the 2 and 4 year old. They will both be 5 and 3 in 14/20 days...my sweet January babies. No matter how much you purposely soak them into every part of your head and heart, you just can't halt the shedding of innocence, teeth, small shoes, and dependence.

I just want to cover my eyes so I don't have to watch. Don't have to watch them stop racing around my house in their super hero capes yelling, "Dah, dum, DUM!"

He lost his first tooth the day before Christmas and then the second one on New Year's Eve. The holes. Two deep holes have pierced my heart and made his laugh. "It feels funny." Yes, yes it does. But not the kind of ha, ha funny to me. The type that makes you nauseous...makes you want to run from reality. I feel it as I write this and tears want to come. On one hand, I am proud for him. He likes getting the money under his pillow just for losing teeth. Yet, letting go...I don't think I can do it.

How do parents do it? Or do they, really? I would like to skip this chapter, thank you.  Wait, I have to do it twice? And I seriously am about to admit to you that I want to add another sweet babe. Only the roadblock is massive. I don't even know if it is God's plan or just my desire.

Okay, I need to move on. In 2012, I learned how deeply I love my children. How grateful I am to be home with them. How this time last year I was still a little unsure if I was truly accepting of the stay-at-home-mom title (I've worked since I was 16). How nothing on paper adds up in God's workings, but my heart obeys and trusts in the impossible and the results have been incredible. The growth hard to explain even now.

Money and possessions don't hold the same place in me anymore and have been replaced with better: more of God and more of others. How I realize to never say never because God likes to prove us wrong. Honestly, I don't mind in this case. 

That serving is one of the best cures to restlessness, boredom or the blues. 

That if I say yes, take a step into that raging river, He will stop its raging. He will be faithful to what he calls me to. I am and have been amazed at what I thought I could not do or accomplish. I did. It was okay to be confident yet, when I am/was lacking He used others to pick up the slack.

I saw God so much. In the one night a week, temporary job teaching sweet kids sculpture. How we didn't gain debt because he provided. Then there is His grace. I wrote about it for 31 days and my heart understands and accepts it differently than before. Grace in my complete imperfection.

      How sometimes the best answer is to go for it and then God will gently whisper no or not yet. And if I am still stubborn, I can reach out my hand and say, "God, save me." and there's His grace again. 

Lastly, how sometimes looking forward to something takes away from the present. We didn't have an ideal Christmas (we are all still sick, had to end a visit with extended family short and well REST)... no, not that word! Who wants to do that kind of resting when there is snow to play in and new presents to enjoy? Yet, although we are all sick and have been forced to rest, we've spent more time together than planned and created some sweet memories.  And most importantly...

We didn't miss each other.

Okay, I will admit that I am ready to be well and not sick in 2013. Linking up with a beautiful group of women at Soli Deo Gloria: Jen's sight