I miss Dionne, the Kid

I miss my kid self. No, I don't miss all things childhood, but as I was showing my children the few toys I've made a point to hang onto, I felt myself wince with a bit of pain. Somewhere along the way to adolescence, I was forced to give up "playing." And it hurts even still.
I just miss the child me. I was shy, a giggler, kind, naive, playful, not bossy and VERY girlie. I liked looking pretty, twirling my dresses and curling my hair. I loved to play!

I can think of two reasons why this is bothering me. My sons. The absence of my mother. My sons will be celebrating their birthdays soon which means they are growing up. My mom won't be there to celebrate. I miss her. She loved birthdays and always made mine special. I think letting go of childhood means we let go of that part of our mother's mothering too! That sucks...for lack of a better word.

I am really not sure why seeing my toys recently has caused me a weird round of grief. Maybe trying to remember how to play (mind you with boys...okay I have a brother which helps) again has triggered something? Maybe because sometimes being a grown-up isn't fun? I would like to relive the day when the only worry in life was deciding which trinkets were going to occupy my imaginary world.

Here are some of my greatest treasures:

My oldest toy is a Mickey Mouse doll whose legs move when you squeeze his hands. Still works!

My absolute favorite doll, Sea Wees Mermaid who came with a foam, blue lily pad, and a matching mermaid baby (I still have that too, but the tail was bit off by one of my childhood dogs). Talk about the BEST bathtub toy!

Cabbage Patch Premie doll. I named him, Ian Samuel.

Chewbacca. Okay, I loved Star Wars...I am an 80's child. They didn't have a life-sized Princess Leia! I liked him because he was a monster that was friendly and different from my other dolls.

My Little Pony. This was around the time that I was starting to grow out of playing, but I did manage to collect quite a few. Parasol is the pony on the right with rainbow colored hair. The Seahorse's name I can't remember or find. Both came with combs for their hair.

I don't think there is a soul that doesn't have a beloved toy. Whether it kept one feeling safe or was just beyond the word fun, toys have some emotion or memory attached to them. Like Mickey Mouse above, I loved all things Disney and this doll was a unique toy that I was given during my 4th yr. of life. I don't remember much from that time, but I hung onto this toy for some reason. The mermaid above was my favorite bath toy and I remember wanting hair like hers (when I am 80 I get to relish that my hair will be like hers)! Ha Ha! My mermaid had many adventures and a run in with my brother's JAWS toy! Don't worry, as you can see she survived the attack.

One of the best parts of motherhood is reliving the toy phase. Only I have boys. I have to buy boy toys. I did buy an age appropriate action figure from the Rescue Heroes series named, Billy Blazes (he is a fireman). Today, one of my Barbies and him had a conversation about finding her lost dog! Hehehe...I am playing.

I think letting go of our childhood is a loss. One that isn't spoken on or at least I haven't seen much written on it in grief articles, books, etc. Maybe it is time to face the truth that this loss is significant and be okay with it. Maybe I have secretly looked forward to motherhood and being a grandparent because I have an excuse to truly play as I did when I was young.

Either way, it's a loss that I don't think I have "moved thru."

Somehow I just can't free my mind the way my kids do, but it is still fun to be apart of that world again.

What about you? What was your most beloved toy? How do you feel about letting go of childhood?