Why I need fruit...why we need fruit

For some reason, I feel like I need to tell you why I need fruit. No, not bananas or strawberries although those two fruits together are scrumptious. I am referring to the kind of fruit that only God can produce.  A divine imprint that human hands did not create.

I need fruit. We need fruit. It reminds us that the one whom we believe in, follow, and obey will reveal his glory.  We want the Lord to show us at least a glimpse of what he is doing. Okay, sometimes it is all that keeps us going when our faith is wobbling. When waiting on God or trusting him is proving difficult. 

I am not saying this with pride, but desire. I want to not only be a part of God's plans for me, but I want to see His work in me, around me and through me. Otherwise, what good am I? This may sound terrible, but I want to be more than just a human taking up space and air.

Moses never entered Canaan, but he brought the Israelites there. He saw God's promise, oath fulfilled (see Deuteronomy 33:48-52 & 34:1-4).
I believe it is okay to long to see God's promises and his work in us.

Here is what fruit can sometimes look like:

Someone who was lonely finds camaraderie.
A child adopted after many struggles to receive them.
Restored relationships.
Someone choosing Christ because you lived out your faith and God used you.
Hope (no explanation needed)
Conquering a sin...where it has no hold on you anymore.
After waiting...the thing you waited on or for happens.
A painful past was given to God and healed.
A restored, redeemed life.
Someone struggling feels supported.
Someone is freed, forgiven, rescued, and or loved.

God's fruit can only come from Him. It is good.

It is hope that we truly are a new creature in Christ, that we are God's handiwork, created in Christ to do good works...(paraphrased by me from Ephesians 2:10) 

When you can't see the fruit...(in leadership)

Here I go again...admitting something in writing.
          I can't see the fruit. I know what God has asked of me. I have obeyed. It has been 6 months. I don't see apples falling down all around me. 

So what do ya do when you can't see the fruit? My first thought? Quit. Yeah, cause that would be easy, but then it isn't obeying. It's Jonah thinking. Run away...because that will make the apples happen. Please tell me you caught my sarcasm. 

I can't quit. I don't want to. I know better. I want a fruit smoothie adventure, but I am impatient. There, I said it. I despise that word.

I am in a voluntary administrative position...something I believe does NOT fit me and yet, I was called to it? Just for the record, NO personality test or spiritual gift test has ever put administrative high on my list.  The Lord thinks otherwise. I better go with him lest I forget the last "God spanking" I had. It wasn't pretty.
No, I am not making light of any of this or on obeying God. This is just hard. It is hard being the one to delegate and sort of be in charge humanly speaking. It is difficult to be the one up there wondering if the eyes looking back at you are judging, frustrated or if the smile is genuine. Am I meeting at least some of their needs with the choices I have made? Is that even my job?

Then, I remember what it is like to be on the other side of the fence. How much easier it is to do nothing and to wonder what the "leader" was thinking when they chose to do something one way. To be the one who has NO clue how hard it is to lead.

All I really want to do is love and minister to other women in similar seasons of life. I want all that God has done for me to NOT be in vain. I want to share what the Lord has done, but honestly, this particular role in my life just doesn't seem to do that. I don't get to share much of me with anyone.
Instead, it is decisions, decisions, speakers, watch the time, do this, do that, chop, chop.

I gotta be me...I am suffocating here. Okay, yes, a piece of me exist in this position. I have had a chance to be silly. I've made others smile. If only they knew how much I care about them, this MOPS ministry, and how much I want them to belong and love it like I do.
Am I doing it for them, for me or for God? I think all three.

SO...When you can't see the fruit and you know you are doing God's will and you are walking daily with Him, then all that is left is to honor Him...show reverence and love through faith and obedience.

Yahweh Yireh...I need to keep my heart and head focused on you. Help me to know that I don't have to see the fruit to know that you are producing it.

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http://www.findingheaventoday.com/

Being super honest today

Today is a hard post because of how honest I am about to be. 
    Hubby has to ride his bike today in 19 degree weather and I feel sorry for him. Our Jeep's radiator is cracked and the water pump is out and this will cost us almost a thousand dollars to fix. Money we have, but money we really need-at least from our perspective. And I went on a hike last Saturday and somehow lost my driver's license. Then, there are the emotional issues and relationship struggles and terrible reactions. It was ugly last week and this week thus far. 
   Comical too. So I will be illegally driving to pick up said hubby this afternoon so he can drop me off at the local DMV and get our four year old to the dentist and hopefully pick-up the cash gouger that should be ready. Ugh! Life, huh?

So I wince and shift uncomfortably to admit that my deep seated feelings/actions toward this past week were less than ideal. I was fearful, prideful, critical, and dare say it, fleshly (oooooh).

I thought I was over faithless reactions.

Ya know the kind where you get all fearful, say stupid things, believe lies or come up with your own action plan? Striving instead of trusting God in other words.

  For a moment, I am like, um...did I seriously just do that? Hello? Where did the faithful me go?

I am so tired of the old me showing up when it feels like it.  

I wish I was scratch-art where I could use a wooden stick and scrape off the "blackness" and reveal  gold and it would stay and the flesh wouldn't mucky it up. But that job belongs to our Lord Jesus. 

THEN, the new me and the faith does come (after I smashed our decaying Jack O'Lantern with a baseball bat. Ahem, call it cheap therapy).

I read my devotional this morning. Read God's word. At first, I feel convicted, but not better.

Genesis 15:1, 17:1, 18:14 and 22:14 about whack my eyeballs and certainly pierce my heart.

    "Do not be afraid , Abram[Dionne], for I will protect you, and your reward will be great...I am El Shaddai-'God Almighty.' Serve me faithfully and live a blameless life...Is anything too hard for the Lord?...Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means "the Lord will provide").

The Lord will provide.

My 80's childhood returns saying, "Oooh, burn." I chuckle, feel bad, but quickly realize the truth, the freedom springing forth from God's words spoken so clearly to me.

And despite my tail between my legs or the miniscule pity party...there is hope! And I want to memorize the above to fend off the humanness. But, God isn't asking me to be less human. He is asking me to trust Him when he is testing my family and me. To trust me with Him. The Lord will provide.

Your turn to be honest. Share your heart, I will treat it with care.

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