I am a beautiful mess: Part one

I am a mess. I don't always feel beautiful. In fact, if I have no place to go, I don't go out of my way to look beautiful. Ya know, no make-up, hair unwashed or if washed-tucked behind the ears or in a pony tail.

I am a mess-right now! Always, but I don't show it to everyone. Isn't that human? We can't be vulnerable with everyone. Can you imagine how interesting or bizzaro (I know, not a word) our world would be if we walked around being vulnerable with everyone?

IF we shared our REAL story. Chose a little more rawness over reserved? 

I have been trying this for so long now and let me tell you that generally most people DON'T welcome it. They want the abridged version. They don't have time. I can relate.

We really can't hear everyone's deeper story. 

Honestly, I WANT to hear everyone's deeper stories. I am intrigued, inspired

and well, curious. I just don't have time.

AND, God didn't create all of us to be counselors 24/7 and we can't be everything to everyone...though I have been guilty of trying. You know you have tried it too.

So how do we solve this? How do we discern when we should encourage others to share or when we  should go beyond being informed to being more involved...to hearing and responding with action to those around us?

What came to my heart was this answer: Are you being selfish or self-less or serving? Hmmm...

I doubt God ever wants us to be selfish. And it isn't about being self-less. It is about less self and serving. I hear this as it coming down to discernment. Praying and listening and trusting God in every relationship and circumstance. It is being hyper-aware of what God is doing in our lives. Is this relationship in our life one where God is asking us to serve Him and them and not ourselves? Or is it one where we need to take caution and NOT share much or only listen?

Oh, you should see the inside of me right now. These thoughts above mixed with my human self look like a bunch of tangled up wires. It is a mess. I don't have it all figured out...this is where the messy part comes in...in you missed it. 

I truly crave deeper relationships...it is how I was made. Okay, yes, being a woman is part of the deal. 

Anyways, would love to hear your thoughts! So please share.

31 Days to Grace (Day 26): Shut. Up.

 Today is Five Minute Friday where Lisa-Jo 
challenges us to not edit, but just write and not worry about it being perfect.  Go!

Shut Up! Not a nice phrase, but straight to the point.

It is what you say to the voice that doesn't deserve credit or any response. The one that needs to be ignored when you are trying so hard to do your best. When your serving with love and you wonder if only God notices because there isn't much return on the investment.

The voice that lies and creates furrows in your heart as it convinces you that you will never be loved like you want to by your earthly father. That you are the problem.

Whispers of deceit float in your brain and remind you of how your voice isn't heard and does anyone really need to read another blog? Your blog?

The flesh says cruel things. And the enemy even crueler.  And the only way to pop this hallucination of untruth is to tell it,  "SHUT UP" and to kill it with God's truth about you:

- (On serving)
...Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:31-46 NIV

-(We have a heavenly Father)
   "I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime-until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you..." Isaiah 46: 3-4 NLT 

(On my blog and who I really am...)

-For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast. Eph. 2:8-9

I am fearfully and wonderfully made and whatever I do, I do it all for the Lord!

 So Ka-pow to the liar!   :)

(5 minutes to write, 5 minutes to make sure scripture was all legit...a lifetime with the Lord Jesus Christ)! 

31 Days to Grace (Day 2): Grace to be me

Day 2: Grace to be me

     Since I have been born, I have always been me with brown eyes, two dimples and a crooked pinky.  But those are just physical traits. The real me or true real (Madeleine L'Engle) is a whole ball of complicated shaped by all kinds of factors: others perceptions of me, my own thinking of who I am, lies from Satan and who God really made me to be.     
   Unfortunately, those factors often find themselves entangled and leave me disillusioned. 

I mean, if I were to tell you who I thought I was let's say 10 years ago it might have gone like this...I am creative, silly, fun-loving, merciful, a Christian, courteous, loyal, adaptable, compassionate, forgiving, cooperative and persistent. The problem with the above is this list came from how others saw me and of course who was I to argue? ;)

And let's not forget my flaws...wait, I liked to sweep those under the rug even though hubby was great at pulling them out in an argument.

Yet, that isn't who I am now. Not that those things have disappeared, in fact, some of my perceived "good" traits have improved. A few flaws have been conquered. Seriously, we can all rejoice that 10 years has changed me, in some ways, entirely. 

That my friend is grace! 

God's presence in me. Working, molding, cleaning out and making me face the flaws...er, sin. No need to sugarcoat it.
    The more I have let God have me, opening my heart to him and not being fearful of his grace, the more grace there has been to be me!

 And so the me others see is becoming more of a true real. There's a freedom in my soul that adds joy and gratitude to my step.

Daily, I learn and relearn and remember that the "me" defined by Jesus is flawless.  

At my MIL's house...being me!

Join in with your thoughts below...and come join the SDG party @ www.findingheaventoday.com
   

I'm a Little Teapot (My real story)

Sing with me now...

                                     I'm a little teapot, short and white

                                     Here is my temper, all in plain sight

                                     When I get all steamed up,

                                      Hear me shout

                                      Just listen, obey and don't you pout.

If you haven't guessed it...I wrote this because I was  having one of those days. Patience wearing thin. Tired of parroting. Is that even a word? Or did I mean tired of parenting? Nope, ya know "parroting" as in I. Said. It. More. Than. Once? Now I sound like a nag. Okay, I'll admit I am sometimes, but after awhile insanity begins to creep in after a reasonable request has been consistently ignored.

I don't like it when I am the teapot. Always blowing off my boiling frustrations at the ones I love the most. It seems my littlest boys are burned more than I care to admit. Yes, there are situations when I am justified in my anger, but not justified in the reaction. I need to respond rather than react. 

At the moment, I am torn. TRAPPED. Stuck between wanting to be content with being at home, but feeling a desire to go back to work. A place where I can feel productive and useful. (Don't judge). Maybe some of you stay-at-home moms are in your niche. You are right where God has placed you.

I don't feel that.

I don't regret having been home this year to get to know my kids. I didn't search for a job because I strongly believed that God made it abundantly clear that I was to stay home. At least for this year. Now, well I am not so sure. Many days it is not like I don't want to be my sons' mom it is that I am not sure I want to be the at-home, full-time caretaker. 

People say that being at home is the highest calling or the greatest job. I agree. However, I cringe a bit when I hear that because in my heart I don't feel that for my self. Yes, there is great purpose and value in loving your children, providing for them, and just being at home instead of having someone else raise them.

I have learned that raising your kids full-time IS a full-time job. And that is only part of the job. I respect my mother even more and have a greater understanding as well as respect for those who choose this path over a career.

But...I am not there. I didn't actually choose.  So why don't I just quit whining and get a job?

Because...what if there is more to my story? What if obeying and doing what I am doing is preparing me for something bigger than I comprehend or know right now?

What if ?

One-sided perspective of self

I sat next to a new, woman friend and listened to her shocked comment, "Oh god" as another woman introduced her two-week old son. The woman looked like she didn't even have a kid. No, she was not model thin, but there was little evidence of a recent pregnancy.
My heart saddened a bit as I realized I was thinking what my friend said. Women are just guilty of comparing our looks, weight, or other outer appearance against the ladies we encounter. I wonder if we feel threatened?
Why do we do this ourselves and to others? Well, I am certainly no expert, but I will share my heart and thoughts.

I have been ridiculed from the time I left my mother's womb. I was consistently criticized as a child. Whether it was my posture, or my too sensitive nature something was always off. Or the other side was being ignored or made fun of...How can one have good self-esteem or worth when fighting those behaviors?

Maybe you didn't experience this at all or much as a child. Maybe yours has to do with men? Ya know, I don't think men realize how much we struggle to get them to notice us. Even if that is just for your hubby...we all like to feel attractive don't we? Doesn't that make us feel a bit valued? C'mon, I am being honest here. Feeling unattractive is not on most people's priority list.

So if that is not it...tell me what is? Why do we compare? Why do we all in our own way execute some sort of beauty ritual to look good?
Think diet, exercise, starving self, expensive haircuts, highlights, dyes, lots of tweezing, shaving tender spots (ouch), perfumes, make-up and manicures.

Hopefully at least a small part of ourselves does something for our bodies for hygiene and health.

I know that I exercise for energy not just weight management.

I will freely admit on here that I struggle with my appearance. I don't see myself the way others do. I have a one-sided perspective of self.

Can this part of me be changed? I am not sure that enough compliments would do the trick. Other people can never criticize me again or say I am perfect and that wouldn't stop my twisted belief of myself. I wouldn't believe them anyway. Ya know why? Because what needs to change is my heart and my thoughts in my head.

I need to take responsibility for what I say to myself and what I believe about me. So one thing I am doing is a bible study called, Me, Myself and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild. It is helping. I am learning to replace my thoughts about me with God's thoughts. What He says about me is true. I just have to believe it. I am committed to this because I am too hard on myself.

I need a God-sided perspective of me.

Anyone else struggling with this?

I'm a Warm Autumn.

I just found out I am a Warm Autumn. A what? Well, it is based on my skin's undertones, hair and eye color. I look good in spicy, autumn colors, rich hues of gold, yellows, reds, browns and even forest green. It is supposedly the palette that I should choose when I am shopping for clothes, accessories and even make-up. This revelation has been so liberating. I could shout, "I get me finally!" Okay, maybe that is a bit farfetched, but really it explains why pastels look terrible on me as well as black and white together. I am a Warm Autumn and that just doesn't mesh well with those colors.

I guess a part of me has always known that earthy, fall tones and colors compliment me best, yet I am guilty of really trying to attempt all black or a pastel pink(yes, I was the little girl that thought she would be a ballerina). I ended up looking pasty, dull and somehow out of place.

Ever do that? Find yourself trying to be something you are not? Or, maybe it isn't that...maybe it is just that you are trying to hard to make a label go away?
I am not sure if I will ever accept every part of me-good and flawed or that I will ever stop manipulating things or twisting myself to fit a mold that I think is best. However, God sometimes wants us to step out of our own perspectives. Look beyond what seems impossible or just doesn't seem to fit us.

I am usually pretty good about embracing what I think works for me or is best for me, but when God asks me to do or be something that doesn't come naturally, I think He must be kidding.
The day I realized God was asking me to quit my job and stay at home, I thought He was crazy. I couldn't grasp being at home and being fulfilled by that career shift. I am just plain selfish here. I don't understand it now and I wrestle daily with the Lord about how I am the wrong gal for the job. (I have no patience for kneading dough or as in an earlier blog, cleaning up gross things). I sometimes feel like I'm living some other persons' dream, goal or journey.

God is calling me to do this because He doesn't want any other person for the task. He called Moses to help rescue the Israelites from Egypt, Jonah to speak to Nineveh about repenting, Mary to bear Jesus through a virgin birth. Moses (or Mosette would be my name) questioned his self-worth, capability and he was fearful. Jonah just ran. Mary, oh how I need to respond like her with complete faith and obedience...(sometimes I do).

I am scared of what God has called me to be recently and there are days I have to wonder what He is thinking, but I am gonna hold on...Hey, who knows I might knead bread with a smile. (Doubt it, but one can hope). ;)

Stains of Beauty

This morning I revealed stains. Stains of beauty. Ochre, cream, rust, russet, charcoal, wheat and earth. Okay, I know you might be thinking I have lost my mind if I find stains even remotely pleasing to the eye. Really, what is hidden beneath the Onyx is unique and stunning. Let me explain.
I soaked three gourds in bleach water. The process to clean a gourd is a bit toxic to your health if you are not careful not just because you are using bleach, but because you are clearing away mold. So you must wear a mask to cover your nose and mouth and glasses to shield your face. Not to mention that mold is disgusting, YUCK!
After a bit of soaking, a wire scrubber along with some elbow grease is needed to rid the gourd of the mold. If a gourd is to be used as a decoration, bird house, vase, bowl, or art, then at least for one's well-being it must be washed free from mold.
I like to think that this is what God is doing every time He chooses to not let me stay how I am, covered in mold: bad habits, unkindness, impatience, anger, selfishness, self-loathing, etc. You see, if He is going to use us for something, some specific purpose, then He needs to prepare us. The old self cannot remain. Or the mold like loads of laundry will pile up and crowd what is underneath.
He will purge it out of us so that the outside shines brightly. Much like removing dust from a light so it reveals more light.
Don't we want to reveal more light? How? By letting the Lord love us, change us into what comes out of the scrubbing. Which I don't particularly love because it hurts a bit.
What is even more amazing is that yes, some stains of where we came from and what we have gone through to get to this new form remain, but they are not moldy as before. God restores the elegance that already existed when we were created. What remains is the Lord's artwork.